I Got Up

"for though the righteous fall seven times, they rise again..." Proverbs 24:16

This verse hit me between my eyes as I listened to one of my favorite women speakers preach through my TV screen.  As I listened to her I could sense the Lord speaking directly to my heart and bringing to the surface things of my past...things He has brought me through, things He is restoring and things He is continuing to heal in me.  As I sat there talking to the Lord I knew He was prompting me to write, I love to write but what He has asked me to share brings about much fear inside of me.  Fear of being vulnerable, fear of opinions and the ability to not keep it all stuffed away.  Because all fear is of the enemy I am deciding to listen to the Lord's voice.

Nine years ago was probably the hardest time in my life.  I do not like to dwell on it because when I visit that time it still can bring tears and that is not a place I like to stay.  Here is the back story in a nutshell...
Nine years ago we were finally in a place to start the process of invitro, we were going to get our family started and all was going to work out magically.  We paid lots of money even up to this point to get us here and so what could go wrong?  At that time I was still well within the child bearing age according to medicine so I figured this would be it, we would do the procedure and I would get pregnant and life would be grand.  Well I did get pregnant but it was a very rocky start, my HCG numbers were high but not as high as they would like, but I was pregnant and they said it looks like it would be okay.  I was worried and had a very hard time being excited because I had already been used to the bottom falling out with all this before, so who was to say it would not happen again?  Well I forced myself to get excited, we were both excited! We told our family, friends and facebook because well that is what you do...it is not official until the virtual world knows right?  So it was out...Shubin Babies 1 and 2 were due March 3, 2011.  This was it, we had done all the testing and prayed our heads off for 4 years at this point...God answered our prayers...or did He?  Flash forward about 5 weeks and I had been having horrible cramping of what I know now to be contractions, every 30 minutes all night long.  I was home alone and my husband was at summer camp with our high-school youth kids, not good timing.  I called him in the morning and told him about the cramping and that I had some spotting.  He called my mom to take me to the doctor right away in his place and off we went.  I was hooked up to the fetal monitor and there for the first time I saw our baby, as well as the contraction waves across the screen.  It was the best sight I had ever seen and yet the most scared I had ever been.  The doctor was able to stop my contractions and back on strict bed rest I went in an effort to save this baby.  My husband was able to finally get home to me and there we sat both balling our eyes out and just hugging each-other.  We were terrified because this was supposed to be the answer to our longing for a baby and here we were waiting to see if our sweet baby would make it.  Friends of ours at the time came over and prayed over us for hours, it was a sweet time.  In my mind I had resolved that God had this, He was going to give us this baby...after all we served Him in ministry (oh the things we say to ourselves), we were His kids, He would not let us come this far to not allow us to keep this baby right?!  Well it came time for my 8 week check-up...the heartbeat appointment.  We prayed before we left but something in my gut, mother's intuition whatever you want to call it, said something is not right...but I went with high hopes I was wrong.  The doctor hooked me up and I could see the look on his face and it is not good.  He tried to stay composed and was frantically looking for the heartbeat but instead told us how sorry he was but there wasn't one.  I have no idea what was said after that, I was frozen and numb and in just a few minutes my hopes and dreams came crashing down.  I looked at my sweet husbands face and I could tell he was trying so hard to be strong for me but that his heart was shattered like mine.  Nothing prepares you for this experience because not only did our baby die, but I had to carry it until my body would pass it naturally...it is the most heart wrenching experience watching your body rid itself of this precious baby you wanted so badly.  The baby you never got to name, know the sex, hear their heartbeat or feel move.  I literally felt like my life was over...I fell into a pit of depression, a deep dark one.  I did not want anyone to come over or really to talk to anyone...I felt so alone and I was convinced no one could understand the pain I was in.  I finally mustered up enough energy to reach out and found a grief group specifically for this and so we joined with other couples who knew the same or similar pain we were walking through.  Flash forward five months later we decided to try and be brave and to give invitro another shot, we had more embryos and we so desperately wanted to have a baby.  So December of that year we did cycle number 2 and we waited to see if Shubin Babies 3 and 4 were gonna come through...they would have been born September 16, 2011.  I wish I could say this was the happy ending to the story, but just like the first we lost both of them and we were no closer to having a baby and the pit of depression was getting deeper and deeper.  I did not have a ton of time to grieve as I had to get back to teaching and my Christmas break was coming to an end.  As if this was not a heavy load to carry things got worse.  A few months later my husband was laid off from his job, the ministry we loved and poured our heart and souls into was transferred to other people without even a warning, our best friends that we had had for years broke-up with us, and then my teaching job was given away without a warning.  Literally everything that we loved, knew or trusted was ripped away.  Life made no sense, life was so painful and life was hopeless in my mind.  I wanted to quit, I was so low and I had no idea why a God that loves us would allow all of this to happen.  So here I was a very broken and painfully hurting girl.  I have never felt so alone in my life and I had no idea what to do.  I was so angry and that anger turned to deep bitterness...I felt that the God I had known had forsaken me.  He was not good like I had always heard about and I decided to do whatever I wanted in rebellion.  I thought how dare a God that I gave my life to and served for most of my life do this to me?  I thought He loved me and was for me?  Where was He now?  This was a very pivotal time in my life because being angry is okay but it is what you do with it that matters.  It did not drive me to dig deep to find Him, instead I was like Jonah I wanted as far away from Him as possible.  I was successful in doing what I wanted and trying to distract myself from dealing with any of the shattered pieces of my life. I was so empty and so far away from the life I once knew.  The girl who loved to serve in just about any ministry capacity, the girl who was privileged to disciple and speak in front of youth, the girl who loved and walked with Jesus daily...she was what seemed like a distant memory.  I was so numb and so broken and had no idea what to do or how to fix anything or even get back to a little of who I once was seemed impossible.  Not only did I just kind of give up on life in a sense, I stopped pursuing the baby dream.  That wound was SO painful that I was terrified to try again and so I abandoned that as well.  So here I am broken, hurt, bitter, angry and far away in my mind from the Lord and so depressed.  I thought this was how life was going to be from here on out, just one big disappointment. 
You want to know the most amazing thing about the Lord, that even when you think you are far away He only allows you to go so far but He will always find you, call out to you and pursue you.  He found me again except this time I was a huge mess.  Another thing about the Lord is that he specializes in taking messes and making them into something beautiful!  I remember calling out to Him and saying "Okay Lord I am so tired and I have made a huge mess of everything, I am broken, hurt and bitter...help me."  That was literally all I could come up with to say.  This my friends has been 3 years of re-learning who my God really is.  Before on the outside I would look like I had it all together and was super spiritual woman, looking back I was not even close.  I knew the Lord, I knew His Word and I knew all the right things to say to help people...but I did not know Him like I know Him now.  The last 8 years have been so painful, it was like being in the trenches of war and the wounds were deep. I in no way would want to go back through any of that, but I would not trade it either.  When you are in the deep trenches of the valley He is literally all you truly have. I had to re-learn not only who He was but who I was.  My identity was so skewed and moved by everyone's opinion but God.  I am now more confident in who I am than I have ever been, not because I am amazing but because I know who I am in the One who created me.  I know now without any doubt that He loves me, that He has called me, that He has a purpose for my life and that He ordained all the pain for me to walk through...I do not completely understand why and I may never know until I see Him face to face in heaven and I am at peace with that.  God wastes nothing...pain or joy all the same He uses it.  I am here to tell you that my God good all the time even when life is not.  We are going to endure pain and trials as long as we are here on earth, the choice becomes what we allow to define us...the pain or what He wants to do with us through it.  Oh and that baby dream, well we picked that back up and God gave us an amazing baby boy! I could not even dream up this sweet boy...he is just awesome.  His smile everyday is a reminder that God does not leave things in a broken state, you just have to sometimes walk through the rubble and then watch Him rebuild your dreams.  We are all going to fall, it says so in Proverbs 24:16, but we have a choice to stay down or get back up!  I have gotten back up...I have decided that I wasted too much time being ineffective that I don't want to waste another minute of what the Lord wants to do with me! I may have been down for a little while but I got back up and I will allow Him to use all the junk and pain for His glory and be available for wherever and whatever He calls me to.

Thank you for letting me be real and tell my story...if you are in a place of pain and feel like you have fallen, reach out to me I would love to love on you in any way that I can.  Blessings, Michelle

Full Circle

Did you ever have a diary when you were younger and then years later find it and re-read all that you had written to see if anything had come true or how different your life was? I for sure did! I did not marry any of the guys I had crushes on which is probably a huge blessing nor did I attain that mansion that the game MASH said that I would have...haha :)  My childhood diary was a fun thing to find but did not really serve any purpose to me except a good chuckle of memories from when I was younger.  Honestly I could not tell you where that thing is now, nor do I really care because it does not have any substantial information to hold onto. 

When I was in 7th grade I was in a junior high discipleship group at church and I was given a journal from my leader of which she encouraged us to use as a prayer journal or a diary between us and the Lord. I remember that day as if it was yesterday and I took that journal and did just that, I started writing my prayers down and it was such a good outlet for me.  It was a special thing between me and Jesus, it was safe and I could just pour my little heart out knowing I would be heard.  I filled up that journal and then bought another and another...it had become a thing with me and the Lord.  I still to this day have those prayer journals and I will keep them so that when I pass they will be given to my child or children.  My childhood diary there, is nothing really that special about what is written in there, nothing that is impacting or life changing.  My prayer journals, well those are special and let me tell you why.  These journals are not just prayers, they are part of my story being written down in expectation, heartache, joy, pleading and waiting.  If you were to look in my journals you would see the date of which I had written that specific prayer and then perhaps another date in the margin when the Lord had answered.  The date of which it was originally written is not as important as the date of which the Lord answered me!!  I want to tie this altogether so just bear with me.

I was reading in the book of Judges tonight and these verses stood out to me:
"The people served the Lord as long as Joshua lived. They also served him as long as the elders lived. Those were the elders who lived longer than Joshua did. They had seen all of the great things the Lord had done for Israel. Joshua, the servant of the Lord, died. He was the son of Nun. He was 110 years old when he died. His people buried his body on his own property at Timnath Heres. It's north of Mount Gaash in the hill country of Ephraim. All of the people of Joshua's time joined the members of their families who had already died. Then those who were born after them grew up. They didn't know the Lord. They didn't know what he had done for Israel. The people of Israel did what was evil in the sight of the Lord. They served the gods that were named after Baal." Judges 2:7-11
I read that and thought how did the next generation not know Him, or better yet how did they forget ALL the miracles that their fathers and grandfathers had seen? The splitting of the Red Sea, Jericho's walls falling, battles won, ect...how?  Then it came to me...the generation of fathers had stopped retelling the stories, the miracles and remembering what the Lord had done for them to their kids.  They did not have the Bible in text, they only had their stories to be retold from generation to generation to be a reminder of who God is and was. This made me so sad for this godless generation, because what came after was God's dealing with them and it was really hard on the nation of Israel.

So it got me thinking...if we as Christians do not tell our story and share the miracles and answers to prayers in our own lives with a lost and hopeless world how will they ever know Him? To bring it even closer, if we as parents do not share with our kids who God is, there is a world waiting to tell them all that He is not.  There is a reason the Lord always told the Israelites to build an altar in places of victory, it was so that when they would pass by they would remember what God had done for them. It is the same with my prayer journal, those dates written in the margin are so that when I look back I see the faithfulness of God and what He has done in my life.  Our story is not just for us, it is to be used to tell of the greatness of who God is.  Are all the parts pretty? I would venture to say no and they are probably messy and sometimes painful...but God takes it all and uses it to reach those around us for His glory...yes even the most painful parts.  

This blog has come full circle from the first entry I made 5 years ago...my God has been faithful to me once again and has answered the deepest cry of my heart. My arms are no longer empty, I am a mommy to am amazing baby boy!  He also answered a dream of mine and that was to experience pregnancy, a time I will never forget.  I have no idea what is in store, I know that I have dreams still that I pray about and wait for His leading...but in the meantime I will look back at all my altars of victory and keep telling my story because there are women out there, my child(ren) and one day their children who need to know who God is.  He is a God who brings it all full circle, but in the meantime of waiting praise Him anyway there is a world watching you.

Pretend

"GOD CANNOT BLESS WHO YOU PRETEND TO BE." Pastor Steven Furtick

I love to have deep chats with people about Jesus if they are open to it, but tonight it was my husband's turn to help me dissect something that has been whirling around in my head for some time. I love his input because he has such a tender heart for others, as do I, but he just lays things out differently than I.  We were talking about the topic of salvation, repentance and what it means to be a real Christian compared to those who "pretend" to be one.

The term "Christian" is used so flippantly these days, it seems that everyone would categorize themselves as one.  I was reading something a while back saying that 90% of the world is a Christian, and as soon as I read that I instantly disagreed.  Anyone can call themselves a Christian, but it does not mean that they truly are what Christian means..."A Follower of Christ."  I can call myself a lot of things but it in no way qualifies me as such.  I think what drives me crazy is people who go around saying that they love Jesus, yet their life completely contradicts everything that a follower of Christ should represent.  The Bible says that the life of a true believer should produce a fruitful life, meaning that it is not just something they possess inside but their life truly exudes or shines the character of Jesus.  I am in no way the true judge of everyone's heart, but I take God at His Word and if it says a life should produce fruit, something I can see, then I believe just that.  So many references in the Bible talk about being outward about faith in Jesus...."Shine your light before men..." "You are the light of the world, a city on a hill cannot be hidden..." "If you confess me before men, I will confess you before my Father in heaven..." No where have I read to be quiet, hide the fact that you are a follower of Jesus.  I am in no way saying go make a sign and stand on a street corner, I have deep opinions about that, but what I am saying is that your life should not blend in with the rest of the world.  Jesus never blended in with anyone, in fact it was because of what He stood for that would later be the thing that made Him the "most wanted" among the religious leaders.

There are so many people who frankly are "pretending" to be Christians because it seems like the right thing to do, or gives them fire insurance from hell.  As I was studying a bit earlier the verse Matthew 7:14 came to mind: "But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only few find it."  What that tells me is that the day when we all stand before the Lord there will be a lot of people who thought they were a "Christian" and will be really surprised when Jesus says "Depart from me, I never knew you." Matthew 7:23 This grieves my heart that anyone would spend eternity away from the presence of the Lord, but it is the truth.

The heart of God is one that longs to bless, longs to love, longs to give life and freedom...but it only comes to a life that is fully surrendered and obedient to the Lord.  It is one that runs away from a life of sin, and longs to flourish and grow in a life rooted in who He is.  The quote above is so true, God cannot bless a person who is just pretending to be in a relationship with Him, you're either in or out of one.  Going to church is good, but it does not make you a Jesus follower it just helps keep you accountable and in a place of growth.  Reading the Bible does not do it unless your life reflects what you intake from it.  Praying is great but if it is only one sided of a person shouting their demands at God instead of taking the time to thank Him for all He has done, and letting Him talk back once in awhile...it is a pretty one sided relationship.  Being a "Christian" or a follower of Christ is more than a religious check list, it is a true relationship...it is one of deepest awe and respect for who He is.  It is a life that reflects all that Christ embodies.  The Lord will bless a person who is authentic, one that has a humble heart, one that longs to have His heart, one that strips down to the core and is just real about who they are and comes in all their brokenness.

I do not want to pretend to be anything I am not, nor do I want to stand before the Lord one day and not know for sure that I will hear "Well done good and faithful servant, enter into my Father's rest."  I want to be the real deal even if that leaves me lonely like John the Baptist lol, but you get my drift.  The way our world is going it seems that the Lord coming back seems nearer and nearer...there is no time to pretend, the world needs Him more now than ever before.  It is time that people are either in or out...not in the quiet middle.

Without Borders

I have been down sick for the last 3 days with this nasty stomach flu virus, with that being said, I have also spent a lot of time sleeping, hence why I am up now and blogging.  One of my close friends who is my sweet sister in Christ, my accountability partner, my sounding board...texted me yesterday and said "Hey since you are laid up in bed, check out the IFGathering online, it is awesome."  I did not watch it yesterday, so I have spent the last 3 hours watching some of my favorite women speakers and really just allowing the Word of God that was given to them minister to my heart.  One of my favorite speakers is Bianca Olthoff, otherwise known as Pastor Pancho Juarez's daughter from Calvary Chapel Montebello...she has the same fire when she preaches like her dad!  There was something that I felt like the Lord pressed deeply on my heart while I listened and I felt like sharing in case maybe you also could relate. (Now that I have given a lengthy intro:)

I have been on a weird, painful, emotional, bitter, angry journey in the last ten years...all those emotions have hit me at one point.  If one would ask me about my faith, I would probably say that it is good...I mean after-all I believe in Jesus and have served Him more than half my life...gotta say something right?  Well in the last couple months the Lord has been speaking to me about the depth of my faith and what it truly looks like, the kind of depth when He asks me "Michelle, do you love me more than anything?  Will you still believe in me if the dream you have does not look like the dream I have for you?  Will you trust my heart for you?"  I am so sorry but those are really hard questions because He is not looking for the fluffy answers, but what is deep down in the gut of my soul.  The more I have searched my heart, what has been revealed is that yes I do love Jesus BUT there have been strings attached..."Lord I will love you, serve you with all my heart if you give me..."  That was a harsh reality for me to see that reflection.  Because deep down I have always wanted to be whole-heartedly in to all God has for me, but because of trials it has caused me to doubt His goodness, who He is, and if He really loves me. I love that God's Word has real people and real stories of people who also not only have felt similar feelings I have, but to see how Jesus shows up or doesn't in those situations.

In John 11 Lazurus the brother of Mary and Martha is sick, and they send word to Jesus that He needs to come quickly...He waits 4 days. UHHH hello Jesus did you understand that unless you show up Lazurus is gonna die? Like this is your homie or as the Bible says "the one whom Jesus loves."  I am so very sorry but if I am on my death bed and I send word to my besties they better get a move on and make it to my bedside. Anyhow that has nothing to do with anything haha.  So here are two sisters completely beside themselves, Jesus doesn't come and their brother dies. Where I want to focus is where Mary (her name means rebellion and bitter) encounters Jesus.

"When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw Him, she FELL at His feet and said 'Lord if you had been here, my brother would not have died."  

If you read above Martha had quite a few words for Jesus as if she was ready to throw blows, Mary on the other hand literally fell at the feet of the Messiah.  She left her bitterness and her rebellious attitude at the feet of Jesus.

So here I sat listening and I just felt the Lord tell me, "Michelle that is what I have been asking for from you."  Instantly tears. It all came full circle for me...for ten years I have carried so many emotions about something I hold close to my heart but mostly bitterness, anger and rebellion.  I heard myself say "Lord where were you when I cried out to you and asked you to save my babies lives? Why would you allow me to walk such a hard road and not intervene at all?  Why would you allow me to feel joy of being pregnant and then taking them away?...Lord if only you had been here none of this would have happened!  I have been just like Mary so many times, except foe the laying it down at Jesus feet part!! Like I mentioned in the last few months I have heard the Lord prompting me to lay it down, all down.  I know that I will attempt to grab it back and then I will have to lay it back down again, because it is a struggle for me at times just being human.  But my resolve is this, I would rather lay down the things I hold most dear to me before the feet of Jesus and walk hard roads with Him rather than alone and not miss out on all the good that He has in store for me...than to hold onto the bitterness and anger and stay stuck in a place of misery and navigate on my own.  At some point as a Christian we have to be in a place of growth where it is just not the basics anymore and where we step out into the unknown where He is calling and it is then that we find out that we really do believe that He is who He says He is, or at the very core we do not believe in Him at all...there is no middle ground.

So my new prayer is that the Lord would lead me where my trust is without borders (thank you Hillsong worship) that as I take baby steps in the directions He calls me to I will trust Him, that when things do not make sense, I will trust Him, that when things do not go my way, I will trust Him.  Oh the freedom this brings to my restless heart! Here I am Lord...send me.

Corner

I heard this sermon the other day about Jesus being in "my corner" and I started thinking about the verse that says that "If God is for me who can be against me" (Romans 8:31) and what that really looks like not just with God being in our corner, but the people in our lives who are.
So I thought, why not ask a few of the ladies in my life what their take on this subject is and see if it lines up or differs from what my thoughts are. I was not really that surprised to find that the "data" I collected was pretty similar.  Here are some of what was shared on what "being in your corner" looks like to them:  "It means that I will fight for you even if that means I have to be completely honest with you, even when it is hard.  It means I would stand up for you if malicious gossip should arise about you."  "It means that they are for you and want to see you succeed, that they would help you at any time even if it is inconvienient, to see what is really going on in your life...beyond surface talk."  "It means that they have your back and you do not have to question it when you are not around."  "It means that they are your cheerleader, cheering you on and walk beside you in life...the good and bad."  "It is praying for you when I do not have the words to say and allow Jesus to love on you."  As I read through these I thought what wisdom had been spoken, but also, I wonder how much hurt or pain was caused that these ladies learned the true meaning of this.  Since I heard this sermon it has been swirling around in my head because I think this topic is so needed in life, and the truth of the matter is that it is rare because too many people are so self consumed with their own life they barely look over to see the ones that God has given them to run this life race with. Not everyone in your life is "in your corner" plain and simple.  It takes wisdom and discernment to learn who these people are, but when you do figure it out, hold them close they are a rare commodity. I do not know about you but when I am with my "in my corner friends" I feel as if all is right in the world, I can be myself, share the deep things of my heart and know that it will stay confidential, that whatever the world throws at me I know they will encourage and pray for me...fight the fight with me.  There is something so sweet and so secure about it, that it brings so much joy.  I have also lived through my share of very painful goodbyes to people in my life that said they were "in my corner" but turned out not to be.  There are so many things that surround the situations that do not make sense, but I trust that the Lord will straighten what needs staightening.  As strange as it may sound I am thankful for those painful moments (if only for this very second, I will probably change my mind later:) because it taught me how to love people better, to long suffer with them, to be a better friend, to be empathetic when they hurt, to be loyal even when they do not deserve it, to ask the hard questions even if it's too honest, to fight for the people that matter and not give up when things are tough, to encourage, pray harder, to stick up for them even if they are not present and to be their biggest fan.
To truly exemplify what was listed above takes a love for others that really only Jesus can fill you with.  We fight our flesh everyday and make decisions either that are right or ones that are wrong. Example: We can either gossip because we feel justified in our position or we can pray and allow the Lord to handle it.  We fight these kinds of choices everyday.
If I was to ask you, list the people in your life that "are in your corner" how many could you list?  If I was to ask people in your life "is so and so in your corner? What would they say? Probably would be a good conversation piece over lunch sometime.  No one is perfect and we will not always be pefect "corner" friends, but trying to be better at it is what counts.  Learning from your mistakes, and taking ownership over them is what it is all about.  Like I said, not everyone is for you and it would be wise to figure that out because the ones that are deserve your time and effort.  I may not get this "corner friend" stuff right all the time, but I am gonna fight trying so that if asked if I am in their corner the answer would be, "I have no doubt."

"As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend." Proverbs 27:17
"So encourage one another and build each other up." 1 Thessalonians 5:11

Change of Plans

"Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God." Matthew 5:8

I would say that I am pretty strong willed and I can articulate very well what I want in life.  My mom used to tell me all the time growing up that Dr. Dobson wrote the book "Strong Willed Child" after me, so there ya go.  I would say that being strong willed has positives to it and it is a main reason that I have never really been a follower, but the negative is that it usually takes me longer to learn lessons than those who are teachable from the start.  I would say that being strong willed is one of the reasons I struggle in my walk with the Lord, not because I think I know more than Him, but that His ways for my life go against all that I had planned...my idea of a perfect life.  I know it sounds so dumb that I could have "better" ways than the Creator of the Universe, but in my human and feeble mind it makes total sense:)
My friends and family that are closest to me know that I am a planner, I don't like surprises very much, especially if it means life is throwing me a curve ball.  Well at the age of 25 the biggest curve ball was thrown at me and it would not only alter my biggest life dream, but also the timeline I created for myself...to have children.  There I sat in a doctors office as they told me I had PCOS and that I may or may not be able to conceive on my own and if I did they had no idea how long that would take.  My life was now at a hault and I could not even begin to wrap my head around what that meant!  I usually am the person who can pick herself up by the bootstraps and move forward but I was frozen and had NO idea what this meant.  Here I sit 10 years later, with many failed attempts at getting pregnant naturally, with the help of medicine, two invitro cycles and two miscarriages, only to leave me with empty arms still.
All through this journey I have been VERY closed fisted with God basically telling Him this is how this is gonna go down..."you will fix this, you will allow me to have children and be pregnant and you will make this right!!"  I am strong willed remember, so changing the plan on me is not how I like to do things.  I wanted what I wanted and that was final!!
People have often asked have you ever thought of adoption, and for years I was SO closed off to it,  I wanted my own baby and I wanted it my way.  I have nothing against adoption at all, I think it is a beautiful thing, I am adopted by my dad and I am thankful that he cared enough to give me his last name and stand in the gap for my absent sperm donor.  The problem was that it was not in my life plan, I was going to get pregnant when I was 25, then the second at 27 and maybe a third at 29...none of that happened.  The thought of adoption made me SO angry because I thought..."why should I have to alter my dream God, and get the second best option? (I am being really real here, not saying that this is a pretty convo) Why does everyone else get to have babies, even teenagers or druggies and here I cannot even have a baby...but You want me to possibly take a baby from an unfortunate situation and given them a home? No...just not fair God, not fair at all."  To say the least through all this wresting with God I will say I have not only been humbled, but He has also softened my heart a bit.
In the last few months I have been praying for the Lord to give me eyes to see this from His perspective in this situation (which has killed me, I am stubborn) and to give me an understanding.  I can honestly say that I trust the Lord whole heartedly with my life except this area, but He desires all of me so it has been a 10 year learning experience.  I think that I can say today that I am open to how the Lord is going to bring me children, I am hoping that I get to carry a baby...BUT if not I will praise Him anyway.  As I type this with tears streaming down my face, I am laying my dream of being a mom at the feet of my Jesus.   There are so many children that are abandoned and I know that I could love that child with my whole being! Maybe we will adopt from a Liberian orphanage, and rescue a child who has lost both parents from sickness or from being killed.  It has taken me 10 years to finally realize that I am a mom whether I birth them myself or take them from being an orphan and giving them a loving home.  I am sure that I will have days where I struggle and feel insecure about my barreness, but I also know that God has given me the desire to be a mom, a heart filled with so much love to lavish on a child or children, and I want ALL that He has for me.  So Lord, I am done fighting...you know my dreams and desires, you know what is best for me and Andrew and so Lord today I trust your heart in this.

Present

"Rejoice with those who rejoice, and mourn with those who mourn." Romans 12:15

In my own life I have found that rejoicing and mourning with others can at times be a very hard task. I guess I would say behind each their is a wound or a story that goes with it.

In California we do not have basements, but just imagine it is a big area to stuff a bunch of junk into. In friendships there are risks; will we allow them to see our cluttered, messy basement that screams I really do not have it all together like I try to portray?  Do we have those friends that we allow to come into our cluttered and messy life junk or do we keep them at an arms length because if we allow them to see who we really are they will run for the hills?  To say that I love people is kind of an understatement, I love deeply and with that love has come great heartache.  I have had friendships that in my mind would be forever friendships, I mean they not only saw my cluttered basement but helped me sort through the mess.  These people were friends that I linked arms with when life was hard, when we faced unbearable loss, did ministry with, prayed with and rejoiced with.  I let my guard down, I let them into my cluttered and broken places, I desired deep friendship and that was what I thought I had.  Turns out it was for a season and when that season of friendships were over, I was heart broken.  That's it? Done? Why did I invest so much time for our friendship to end? Why did I let them in? What good will come from this? These were just a few questions that came to mind. I will come back to this story.

You ever have a friend that you know if you ever wanted to do something crazy they would be right by your side because they love you too much? The friendship of Lucy and Ethel come to mind as I type.  Or the friend that when you are really going through what you think could be life's greatest trial, goes against your wishes of wanting to be alone and comes over anyways to sit with you in your silence and pain?  I have had these types of friends and with them came many fun memories, but the last one made a HUGE impression on me, let me tell you why.  For whatever reason pain is a very messy and uncomfortable place for most people and not many will volunteer to sit in it with you. I had had my 9 week check-up to hear our baby's heartbeat, there wasn't one...I was told that in a few short days I would begin the process of miscarriage. Excuse me doctor, what???  To me I did not just loose my baby, I lost my hope, my dream of what would be, and my world was shattered into a million pieces in a matter of seconds.  I had walked 5 years in this long road of infertiliy and here was the chance that it was changing, but that was not so.  I remember feeling so numb as I laid on that cold exam table and everything around me was so dark. As news leaked out to our family and friends, people started calling, texting, emailing their condolences but none of that really made it better, it was as if no one knew the deep sadness we were feeling.  People would say "Let me know if you need anything" I had NO idea what I needed, and doing my everyday responsibilities seemed daunting. About 2 days later I received a text from my good friend that said "We would like to come and see you" and my pride said absolutely not, I do not want to feel awkward from people dealing with my pain, so I answered "Another day would be better."  About 10 minutes later the doorbell rang and there they were at our doorstep, and as soon as she stepped into my house and hugged me the tears just flooded out of me.  That hug in my deepest pain ministered to my aching heart.  She did not care how awkward I was feeling, or that I could not put into words what my heart needed, she was just present. For 2 hours they sat on our couch and we barely spoke, they prayed over us when they felt led to do so, they brought a meal so I would not have to cook, but mostly they just showed up.  My husband and I's brokenness was not too much for them, and the silence was not so awkward that they ran for the hills, they were willing to love us where we were at, and that was exactly what I needed but could not say.

To rejoice with those who rejoice means that you honestly are filled with joy and celebrate the season of life that they are in, even if your life in not as joyful at that moment.  To mourn with those who mourn means that regardless of how uncomfortable it may be you sit in the brokenness with them.  If they feel like breaking glass to make themself feel better you grab a glass and break it with them.  In the first story I shared that I had lost some close friends. The reason those friendships ended was because they could not handle our grief anymore, they wanted us to be in a place of rejoicing as heir lives had been moved to that place, but that is not how life works.  My husband and I had become too much for them and so they decided that they would distance themselves from us and it was heart breaking.  I will say that I have learned from the pain, I have learned what it means to really do life with others, to love them unconditionally where they are in life and that whether they are in a season of rejoicing or mourning I will link arms with them and walk beside them.  I have learned the importance of being present when it matters most. I have learned that fighting for my friendships is important and that people are always more important than my schedule.  I have been asked to walk a hard road, one I do not understand most days, but I am grateful for the few that have loved me unconditionally and continue to walk my life journey with me.

Confidence

The title alone of this entry is a taboo topic of many, especially women.  This word or theme has been swirling around in my mind for quite some time now, some because I struggle with confidence in certain aspects of my life, but mainly because the more I get to know even the ladies in my inner circle I see the lack of it.  In my opinion the way society talks about confidence can come across very negative, that somehow you are all of a sudden narcissistic and somehow confuse people into believing that confidence is the same as walking around with your nose in the air.  I would beg to not only differ but say that kind of thinking is a lie from the pit of hell.  I believe that the main reason that any human would ever struggle with confidence is because somewhere along the way the enemy has tricked them into thinking that fearing what they fear most is better than overcoming that fear and living to the fullest as God has created us to live!  Just hang with me for a little bit, I promise this crazy rant will make sense:)
When God created man and woman he said that it was very good, humans were His most prized creation and to top it off we are the image of God Himself.  There is NO other creation on earth that has a place within where God Himself can dwell except in mankind.  I do not know about you but that right there is pretty amazing and humbling all at the same time.  When we were created before sin entered the world there was no broken-ness, no pain or suffering, so there would be no need for Adam or Eve to lack confidence.  But (yes I started the sentence with a but), when sin entered the world so did depravity, an awareness of what was lacking, a sense of self consciousness and shame.  I am not gonna unpack all of that, but I think that it is important to understand where the lacking started...the garden...the serpent (otherwise known as satan) and the idea that God was holding out His best on His beloveds...in one word Eve feared the unknown.  This is where it all starts for most of us.  Somewhere along the way we doubt God and instead of placing our trust in Him we allow fear to grip our lives and that is where we stay...like Adam and Eve part of us die...whether it is spiritually or die in the unhappiness in our lives called the comfort zone. The enemy LOVES the comfort zone, why? Because it is a place that does not promote growth, it is a stagnent place and he knows you will be so ineffective he does not have to worry or work hard at harassing you.
I absolutely LOVE women especially young girls and I have been SO blessed in my life to walk through and love on many.  What I am most passionate about is that they not only know and understand their worth, but walk out the calling in their life confidently and effectively!!  As i look back on my life over the last 14 years I would say that 11 of them were fruitful, good and blessed.  Not to say that my life was perfect because it was far from that and had my own fair share of trials, but in my eyes I had purpose, I was walking out my calling and I was confident in the gifts that God had given me, I could honestly say it was some of the best years of my life.  Then the storm came crashing in and the life that I knew was no more.  It did not happen over night, but it was a slow process of what would be to me a very unfulfilling life...I lost my job (that I loved), I lost very close friends that we had linked arm and arm with in ministry, my husband lost his job, we lost our ministry, we lost 4 babies after battling infertility for 7 years, marraige became really hard, and life as we knew it that we would say was the "good life" was no more.  What also was taken in the midst of all of this was my confidence, in who I was, what my calling was and my worth as a person.  I curled up in my comfort zone, padded it with all kinds of fear so that I would not get hurt and have lived there up til now.  I am not saying this because I need sympathy, I say it because it is true and honest.  For three years I have allowed myself to believe a lie, I have been the person I have taught so many girls not to be in all my years of ministry...a scared, scarred unconfident girl.  What I forgot somewhere along the way was that my confidence is not in a title, a job, being a wife, a mother, pastor, ect...it is only found in the One that created me.  Because I was made in the image of God, there is a place in my soul that only He can fill.  I will never experience true confidence apart from Him because confidence is not narcissistic, it is a place of being content with the way we were created.  It is a place of walking out the set of God given abilities we have been given.  It is a place of knowing that without the Lord empowering us to do the things in which we were created to do, they would not happen.  It is the place of worsshipping God and giving Him glory for how He created you.  I know that it gives God so much pleasure when we live our life passionately and using our gifts to minister to a hurting and broken world.  I no longer want to be a washed up has been, but a woman who is confident in who she was created to be.  I want to empower and encourage other women to walk out their calling, to love my husband well and encourage him as he leads our home, I want to be a mother that speaks life over her children and call out their gifts and empower them to live a meaninful God honoring life, and whatever job or task the Lord has for me next I want to tackle it with tenacity and passion, learning to be content with where the Lord places me.
What I have learned about confidence (thank you Lord for opening my eyes) is that it is a place of being comfortable in your own skin. It is a place that loves other women and does not compare, it is a place of facing fears and overcoming them not letting them over take you, it is a place that elevates lives and speaks life into them not tearing them down, it is a place of guarding hearts...yours and others as well, it is a place where we do not judge but stand in the gap for spiritual awakening and change, and it is a place of understanding that we are already victorious in Jesus to take the enemy down when he envades our camp or those close around us.
To have true confidence means that no matter what comes in life whether good or bad you stand...stand confident because of who you belong to and that He is trustworthy and He has it all under control.

Seasons

I love seasons, even though in California there is either hot or cold, but none the less I love them.  I had coffee with a friend I have had since the 6th grade and on my drive home one of the topics we discussed stuck with me, seasons of relationships.
I will say that I am not a fan of these seasons, mainly because I do not like change one, but also because when I let you in and trust you that is a sealed deal for me!  Her and I have had a lot of change in relationships over the years, and really when it is all stripped down to the core of it, they are not of our own doing.  It is not because that we are perfect, but for reasons only the Lord knows, those people have been stripped away.  There was a concept that a mentor in my life used to tell me all the time and I still struggle with it today as I did then... (I wonder if I will ever really master it) she used to tell me to hold others with an open hand.  I remember looking at her and saying "But that gives people the right to hurt you and walk in and out of your life!"  And to that she replied "Yes, but they are not yours to hold onto."  There is so much truth in that concept, but I still do not like it because when I am truly vested in a person, that is it I am 100% in!  As we discussed this tonight I really felt like the Lord impressed upon my heart to look at it with fresh eyes, to see it from a different perspective.  There are going to be people that He allows to come in our lives and will be a constant, the Bible talks about those kind of friends or if you want to speak in modern terms it is the "Ride or Die" friends!!  But there will be those relationships that will come and go, and there may be no explanation as to why they came and left, but to be okay with whatever the outcome may be.  We learn from each relationship and it helps to make us to be who we are, but I will say this in my experience in walking with the Lord, the relationships that flourish and last are the ones that build us up, that push us to be better, and mainly the ones that spur us on to be more like Jesus..."Iron sharpening iron."
I have been sitting in so much hurt and bitterness for so long because of hurt and pain, then my friend said something tonight that made so much sense, she said what has happened to you the Lord allowed, you may not know now but whatever it is will make you more like Him!  BAM, hit in the face...in a good way! As I drove home I realized I do not ever want to be complacent and I surely do not want anything than the Lord's best even in friendships, so why am I so focused on the past ones that have left, well my answer to that is because I am human and they once mattered a great deal to me, but if I truly do trust the Lord and His intentions for my life then I need to walk that out.  I need to let go and let God do what He wants to do, in the way that He wants to do it!  This is no easy task for this sensitive girl who wears her heart on her sleeve...but I am who God made me to be and I have a lot of love in my heart to give to those the Lord has for me and I want those!
So my perspective has changed, I am thankful for all the ones that have come and gone for teaching me how to rely on the Lord more when I have felt alone, how to love deeper and with passion, to work hard for the relationships that mean so much to me and to learn how to walk away when the season is through.
So Lord here I am saying, use me, send me and bring me anything or anyone that you see as best! You are the Author of my story and I am letting you take over and do what you want!!  I am ready for a new season...bring it!

Misunderstood

Have you ever been or felt misunderstood? That no matter how many times you would or could explain your self it really would not matter because it was not going to help the situation?  I know that in my life there have and currently are those same situations where I know that I have been misunderstood and I think if only they knew my real heart intentions, they would see I really am for them or I really do like them, I just have to stay true to my heart or my beliefs.  Today as I was pondering this concept I came across this quote..."Today I am so grateful that God knows my heart.  Others may misunderstand my good intentions, judge my words or deeds, find fault, or blame what they truly do not understand. But God knows my heart.  He knows that I am learning, trying, endeavoring, to be all that He created me to be."  I literally read that over 5 times because I needed it to sink in not just to my mind but to my heart.  I love the BUT GOD...I a lot of times put what others think of me before what He does and it should be the other way around.  

This past few months I really feel that the Lord has been teaching me how to take a step back and put certain things in perspective, especially when it comes to peoples opinions of me, however I have in no way mastered this at all.  But really why is what people think so important? I mean if you think about it they are human and opinions change of people all the time, yet it is something that most people struggle with whether they acknowledge it out loud or not.  I have really been stretched and am learning to lay people at the Lord's feet and to let Him deal with them and divide the truth as it says in Scripture.  I also have had to allow Him to be my defense and let my character speak for itself, as He is my defender and my shield.  I will also say that I know that I am not perfect and have or will offend someone in life, and I also always want to be in a place to humble myself and take responsibility for my actions if need be. There is such freedom in restoration of relationships and when ownership is taken on both sides...that is when relationships are strengthened and can only grow in a positive way! 

I have been reading this book called "The Bait of Satan" and it is literally kicking my booty.  I have been an emotional wreck but only because I know that breakthrough is gonna happen.  It talks about this whole concept of being misunderstood which really leads to being offended and learning how to lay that down.  Man does my flesh fight against these godly principles, it is so hard not to get or stay offended by people.  Well as I have been thinking through it the reason we stay offended is because we feel entitled, which is in its entirety selfish.  It is putting expectations on others and then holding them to a standard that you have set over them, which means you are destined to be disappointed and then offended by them.  Being disappointed or offended is a natural human feeling but it is what you do with it that is important...if you sit in it too long it will lead to bitterness and anger which will only kill you on the inside.  Trust me when I say I know this with my whole being!! I have been SO hurt, disappointed and offended by people in my life who at one time were not only important to me and close like my family, but people I looked up to and respected very much.  I have sat in that place of hurt and offended-ness and it literally has killed me on the inside.  I became someone I was not which was bitter, closed off, angry and very short tempered.  There were times I would listen to myself and say "Michelle, who are you?"  See I know deep down the girl God has created me to be and those attributes are not part of it.  I am by nature very loving, caring and very outgoing...when I am hurt I am the opposite.  Jesus who had EVERY right to be offended by the very people He created did not, He came and died for all, regardless of their opinions of Him, how mistreated he felt by them, how misunderstood he was by them or His best friends deserted Him in His last hours before enduring the cross, forgave them.  In seeing this from Jesus' perspective it has rocked my own world because I am to imitate Jesus, so if He cannot be offended I cannot sit n offense.  AGAPE love meaning unconditional love means we lay down all rights that we have or think we have, and die to self everyday and to everyone.  It means that we regard others higher than ourselves and put them first.  This is NOT a natural thing for our flesh to follow suit in, it is of the spiritual nature and it can only happen when we allow the Lord to have His way and we deny our own.  

I know that I still have much to learn and grown in and I am willing to allow the Lord to do what He needs to do, even if it means brokenness.  What I am not willing to do is be stagnant and allow the enemy to have a foothold in my relationships or my life.  I want the life that is found in the things of the Lord, not death that the enemy offers.  So I will continue to pray and lay down the people that I feel have misunderstood me at the Lord's feet and allow Him to deal with it, He knows my heart and my intentions and that is what truly matters.

Work in Progress

I have been reading this book called "Chasing God" and let me tell you it has changed the way I not only see my relationship with God, but with Christianity as a whole.  I have grown up around Christianity my whole life...church, Christian school, and in a Christian God fearing home.  I can say with confidence that I also know a lot of Bible verses, stories and can use Scripture to defend my faith well.  As I have gotten older I have realized that all of that is great, as we are to be able to give an answer for what we believe, but I have also realized that I have been in a category known as the Pharisees.  See they were also known in their day as scholars of the Torah and knew the law better than most, but when it came to giving grace, love and mercy they failed miserably.  I would honestly see them in today's society as the people who picket and hold up signs on the corner that read "turn or burn!"  I have never been an advocate for that as a useful tool to share the love of Jesus, nor does it compel a person to come to the Lord because they are drawn by His love for them, but more out of fear of hell.  Back to my point...I like a lot of other Christians have given myself more esteem than was due to me, as did the Pharisees.  They thought they had all the answers and were better than others.  I would not say I have been as crazy as them, but I can with full honesty say that I have thought I was a "better" Christian than others.  I also would say that I have not always been one to give grace and mercy as often as I should and at times should have kept my mouth shut.  Look, a relationship with the Lord is all about growth and learning how to be more like Him, but that was it, I did not always reflect Him or His character, I reflected one that was trying to prove herself as a stellar Christian.  I can honestly say that nothing shows you who you really are, and how deep your roots are in Him until you go through a big stormy trial.  It was in this season the last 2 years that I have had to look in the mirror and see how unrighteous I really am, and that all that I know about the Bible or how many verses I could quote really mean nothing if I do not know the Author deeply.  I was holding onto a status, to an outward appearance of wanting to look holy and like a super Christian, but when I felt alone and found myself in the driest of deserts none of that helped me.  The Lord has allowed me to go through a huge stripping season and it has been the MOST painful season I have ever had to walk through, I get teary-eyed just typing it out.  What I have realized is that my perception of myself was very skewed and my anchor was in the wrong place.  I was holding onto the tangible in life and not the One who loves me most.  The Lord has taken me to a place where He would allow me to lose so many things that meant so much to me and that I allowed define me and all I had left was Him to hold onto.  He allowed me to see what a wimpy Christian I was and that my roots were not as deep as I let on because when the storm came and the wind of life picked me up and had a good ol time whipping me around.  The things that have surfaced in the last two years have not been pretty, but I understand that God loves me enough and will never leave me in a place of comfort.  My heart being more like His is what matters most to Him, and so He little by little started taking "my comfort" away.  It is because of this season that I see people in a whole new light, and tend to give grace in areas that I never would have.  To see people how God sees them, and that they are to be loved and cherished, that they have purpose.  But most of all, that I am 100% a sinner and in need of the love of Christ just like everyone else.  I am not better than the person who was saved a week ago, just because I have more Bible head knowledge than they might.  This season has showed me what humility and compassion look like...to reach out to those who are hurting and in need of being loved and listened to.  By no means did I not know or practice this before, but my heart is different!  The Bible says that those who are forgiven much, love much and boy do I understand the Lord's relentless forgiveness in my life...everyday.  This book I am reading basically talks about how much God desires to have relationship with us first and foremost, and that He could care less how well you can play the Christian role.  It is not about how well you can clean up on the outside, it is about a heart that yearns to know a loving God.  To chase God can become exhausting because it is a performance based relationship and we can chase Him our whole lives and not really know Him.  He has showed me that He just wants me, thats it, and He takes me just as I am dirty and sinful.  He could care less how much I do for or in then name of Him, because to Him what I am is way more important than what I have been called to do.  What I know is this, I am not even close to perfect and will never be until I meet Him face to face, but I would rather be working out my walk with Him all the rest of my earthly days, than spend a day without Him.  I hate this season I have been called to, but I also know that He is a God of redemption and my story will have a joyful ending because I know His heart for me and I can hold Him to His promises!!

To Be Real, Or Not To Be...That Is The Question

I often hear so many people make a comment like, "I love when people are real," or "I cannot stand fake people." Truth is we all fall in both categories as much as I think most would love to be in the "real" one.  Being a person who is unashamedly real, comes with a high cost, it means that you have to show pieces of you to others that maybe are not so pretty, instead of picking and choosing what you allow others to see and then they make a decision on what kind of a person you are.  Truth be told, no one is "real" all the time!  No one wants to be judged  for what they struggle with silently, or share how they are really doing in fear that others will judge them for what a train wreck they might be.  I have been pondering this idea for years now, and honestly it REALLY bothers me that people actually have to hide who they are, especially in groups where people claim to love them, claim to never leave despite what they are going through, or dare I use the term be their "best friend forever," yet do not have the safety to truly be themselves.
About 8 years ago I was given the news that I had something called PCOS, which is why I was having such a hard time getting pregnant.  In my wildest dreams, I never thought that I would be asked to walk down this hard and at times excruciating road.  I have had so many tests done, procedures done, 3 rounds of IUI, 2 rounds of Invitro that ended in miscarriages and a very broken and shattered heart, my uterus scraped to remove pallups, so many injections and bruising, and the list continues...  My dream has always been to be a mom of multiple kids and never dreamed that here I sit, childless and still no closer to having living children than I was 8 years ago when the devastating news came that I was dealing with infertility.  To say the least this has been by far the hardest trial I have ever walked through, it has tested my faith in the Lord and His goodness over my life, I have lost friendships over going through this, it has tested my marriage in more ways than I ever wanted, and it certainly has played a part in my worth and how I see myself as a woman! It has stripped me down to the core of who I am, it has given me days where I feel I have no foundation to stand on, it has left me with a hopeless dream, and it has left me with empty arms and a heart that aches to hold a baby.  I can sit here and talk about infertility and educate people on the matter, as I certainly have advice to offer to other women walking through the same, but I want to shed light on how this road I am on can be a very dark and lonely one.
Every person on this earth will walk through something that is hard, it may not be infertility, but it is the one thing that rocks them and leaves them dumbfounded as to how they were picked to walk the road set before them.  The road asked to walk is hard, but you know what is even harder? To feel like you are walking alone.  To at one point feel forgotten, unloved, mis-understood, accused of being too sensitive, or people make comments like "you are grieving way too long when will you get over it?" I have been in all of those categories and I have had some really mean things said to me in regards to my situation, and all those words told me was..."Michelle, you no longer have a safe place to be real, to be you, that I am a burden to others, people are way too busy to care, life goes on so move along, I was loved but conditionally and most of all you are too broken and we do not know what to do with you."  And just like that, people started walking away and once again my aching heart from not only the infertility junk seem to seep all over, but the ache of loneliness screamed as well.  So as I thought through my initial question of why people act fake sometimes, it is because being real hurts way too much.  It should never be this way!!
I was reminded of the countless stories in the Bible of how Jesus truly loved people in their pain, the woman at the well, the woman and the issue of blood, Mary the adulterous woman as she washed Jesus' feet with her hair, the blind man that sat at the pool of Bathesda, and I could keep going.  Jesus was never too scared to just sit in someone else's pain, he was never scared by it, nor was there ever a person too broken to love.
I see people so differently now after walking through so much, I never want to be the person who leaves when others are hurting, to make them feel like they are a huge burden because of what life has thrown at them, or that they feel alone walking through a dark valley of pain.  People need people, we were created for fellowship and not to be an island all alone...yet there are so many people who are in fact alone.  Just some advice if you know of anyone walking through some really tough stuff...be there, show up and shut up! We know no one can fix our circumstances, if you could we would have asked by now, duh! All we want is to know you are not scared to sit with us as we cry and need to share our heart. We need you to show up in the midst of tragedy, NOT give us space!!! Be available to help with laundry, help with their kids if they have them, make meals for them, do grocery shopping, whatever makes the load lighter.  Trust me I wish someone would have just done these things for me, I did not even know what to ask for after losing babies.  Lastly SHUT UP...we will ask for your advice if we need it.  If you have not gone through it you really do not have a leg to stand on, sorry.
If we want the people in our lives to be "real" with us, then we have to be a person that is not scared of what "real" entails! It is most often a very muddy place, or as a very wise pastor said "Dealing with the junk of life is often like walking through manure."  Can it be said of you that you are a person that will walk with others through life no matter what the weather in their life looks like? Only you can truly answer that! Real people, cultivate real people.

Cup of Tea

All my life since before I can even remember, I have always been the girl who cared about what other people thought about me. I mean honestly who doesn't want to be liked, but it has been a thorn in my side. This thorn, has brought me to the realization that I may not always be everyones cup of tea. I may not be the girl that every one would pick to have as a friend and it is in the raw truth of life when it's ugly head is reared, and so do my insecurities.   It is in those times that all truth flies out the window and you start to believe the lies, lies that either you have come up with on your own of not being good enough, feeling worthy enough, or the lies that the enemy is so quick to whisper to you and jump on your thought train headed for self destruction.  If we were truly honest with ourselves, we would say that it is so much easier to believe the lies than it is to believe the truth about who we are.  See this is what I do not understand, why is it so easy for me to believe the lies from the very one who hates me instead of the One who created me? The One who spoke life into my very being, the One who created me with specific gifts and talents, the One who sent His Son to die on my behalf because He could not stand being separated from me for all eternity? It literally makes no sense, yet like the dumb sheep that I am, I listen to the voice of the enemy and others around me, and that is how I gage my worth.  I know that as I write I am not the only one who struggles with this, I am just one who is writing it on paper...we altogether forget how priceless we are.  In thinking about this it brought back a song that Amy Grant (anyone know who she is?) sings, and I have loved it since I was a little girl.  It goes like this..."I may not be every mother's dream for her little girl, and my face may not grace the mind of every one in the world, but that's alright as long as I can have one wish I pray, when people look inside my life, I want to hear them say, she's got her Father's eyes...eyes full of compassion, seeing every pain, knowing what their going through and feeling it the same..."
That really is my prayer, to see others how God sees them, yes even the ones who are not very nice to me or do not like me, as hard as that is.  The truth of not being everyones cup of tea seems to fade into the background when I look at it with His eyes and not my fleshly ones.  It really does not matter in the long scheme of things if people like you, approve of you, or affirm your worth.  Our souls were designed to have the approval of our Creator, He alone can put a price on the very thing that He designed and created. Compliments, encouragement and being loved by others is invaluable if you have it, BUT it is not a long term satisfaction, in fact it leaves you hungry for more.  The truth is that I am God's cup of tea, He has chosen me, and I am invaluable to Him.  Now the truth has surfaced yet again, my head needs to convince my heart of this truth and all will be well!!

New Beginnings

A new year, a new perspective, new goals and getting back to the roots! I love a fresh start in most things in life, a place to start over, or as I like to say a new beginning to get things right or back on track.  One of my favorite Disney movies is "The Lion King," and one of the main reasons is because there are some tough life lessons that poor Simba has to walk through.  I am sure you have read my few sentences and think, "Really she is a grown woman talking about a disney movie?" But stay with me, it will all make sense! There is one part of the story where Simba has run away from home, he is supposed to be king and runs from his reality and dealing with the grief over the loss of his father and not really feeling worthy enough to be king in his father's place.  So here he is, far from home in the middle of no where with his two new best friends Timon and Pumba living what he thinks is the dream, but in reality he is running from the very thing he was created for...to be king!  My favorite scene in this is where Rafiki comes in search of Simba and it is in that conversation that Simba is reminded who he is.  As Simba looks into the pond of water and sees the reflection of his father Mufasa, he is left with this statement "Remember who you are!"  As I sat in church tonight this statement came to me...Michelle remember who you are! You know sometimes God speaks in the most profound ways, and other times he may use a disney movie to speak to me.  You see, when tough things happen we tend to lose focus and get so far off track and forget who we are and what God has created us to be, what He has called us to! I like Simba know the feeling of running and using distraction, really anything sometimes, not to have to deal with the reality and at times the harshness of life.  But when there is that quiet moment and I stop, it is there the Lord finds me and speaks.  He reminds me of who I am and that He is not even close to being done with me yet.  He reminds me to that which he has called me to be, breathes hope back into my dreams and my passions, reminds me that He alone is the only thing that can satisfy my every need.  It is in that instant that I can see clearly again, all the fear and anxiety of life is gone, even if for that instant.  I mean I am human and the chances of me having to battle fear, anxiety, being self-conscious, ect...will come up again, but in that instant all feels right.  This year has been tough, what am I saying these last 4 years have been extremely painful and I have had to walk through and face some of the hardest things in my life, to sum it up in one word LOSS! Loss is so hard to deal with, especially if restoration has yet to come.  I have been through the loss of 4 babies, all whom I never got to name, hear their heartbeat, hear their little feet run around the house, but most of all hear the word Mommy...man how I longed for and could not wait to hear their little voices say that.  I have lost friends, friends who I never thought in a million years would ever not be apart of my life.  I have lost my job, a job that was my passion, a job I loved more than anything, and co-workers that were like my second family. My husband and I lost ministries that we were involved in that we poured our heart and soul into, and youth kids we loved like our own.  Talk about heartache, this is some heart wrenching stuff, and most of it I honestly cannot make sense of it and often ask WHY? Why God, why me, why is this my story, why is life so hard?  So many times I have sat and thought, my dreams of becoming a mom, a teacher again, a youth pastor or ministry for that matter is all done and the dream is gone!  So there I sat in church listening intently to the sermon, (really I was) and here was when The Lion King scene came to me...Remember who you are!  Like Mufasa was speaking to Simba and reminding his son who he was and what he was created for, God was speaking to me His daughter saying, Michelle...Remember who you are! You are mine! All those dreams and desires that you have, yeah, they all come from Me.  So what now? Now I wait and watch to see all that the Lord is going to do, to unfold, to restore and heal.  Yes I still struggle with all the normal human feelings or fear, anxiety and the feelings of inadequacy, but what I have learned is the God that calls me to it will always equip me for it!! Here is to 2014...a new chapter to my story!