"for though the righteous fall seven times, they rise again..." Proverbs 24:16
This verse hit me between my eyes as I listened to one of my favorite women speakers preach through my TV screen. As I listened to her I could sense the Lord speaking directly to my heart and bringing to the surface things of my past...things He has brought me through, things He is restoring and things He is continuing to heal in me. As I sat there talking to the Lord I knew He was prompting me to write, I love to write but what He has asked me to share brings about much fear inside of me. Fear of being vulnerable, fear of opinions and the ability to not keep it all stuffed away. Because all fear is of the enemy I am deciding to listen to the Lord's voice.
Nine years ago was probably the hardest time in my life. I do not like to dwell on it because when I visit that time it still can bring tears and that is not a place I like to stay. Here is the back story in a nutshell...
Nine years ago we were finally in a place to start the process of invitro, we were going to get our family started and all was going to work out magically. We paid lots of money even up to this point to get us here and so what could go wrong? At that time I was still well within the child bearing age according to medicine so I figured this would be it, we would do the procedure and I would get pregnant and life would be grand. Well I did get pregnant but it was a very rocky start, my HCG numbers were high but not as high as they would like, but I was pregnant and they said it looks like it would be okay. I was worried and had a very hard time being excited because I had already been used to the bottom falling out with all this before, so who was to say it would not happen again? Well I forced myself to get excited, we were both excited! We told our family, friends and facebook because well that is what you do...it is not official until the virtual world knows right? So it was out...Shubin Babies 1 and 2 were due March 3, 2011. This was it, we had done all the testing and prayed our heads off for 4 years at this point...God answered our prayers...or did He? Flash forward about 5 weeks and I had been having horrible cramping of what I know now to be contractions, every 30 minutes all night long. I was home alone and my husband was at summer camp with our high-school youth kids, not good timing. I called him in the morning and told him about the cramping and that I had some spotting. He called my mom to take me to the doctor right away in his place and off we went. I was hooked up to the fetal monitor and there for the first time I saw our baby, as well as the contraction waves across the screen. It was the best sight I had ever seen and yet the most scared I had ever been. The doctor was able to stop my contractions and back on strict bed rest I went in an effort to save this baby. My husband was able to finally get home to me and there we sat both balling our eyes out and just hugging each-other. We were terrified because this was supposed to be the answer to our longing for a baby and here we were waiting to see if our sweet baby would make it. Friends of ours at the time came over and prayed over us for hours, it was a sweet time. In my mind I had resolved that God had this, He was going to give us this baby...after all we served Him in ministry (oh the things we say to ourselves), we were His kids, He would not let us come this far to not allow us to keep this baby right?! Well it came time for my 8 week check-up...the heartbeat appointment. We prayed before we left but something in my gut, mother's intuition whatever you want to call it, said something is not right...but I went with high hopes I was wrong. The doctor hooked me up and I could see the look on his face and it is not good. He tried to stay composed and was frantically looking for the heartbeat but instead told us how sorry he was but there wasn't one. I have no idea what was said after that, I was frozen and numb and in just a few minutes my hopes and dreams came crashing down. I looked at my sweet husbands face and I could tell he was trying so hard to be strong for me but that his heart was shattered like mine. Nothing prepares you for this experience because not only did our baby die, but I had to carry it until my body would pass it naturally...it is the most heart wrenching experience watching your body rid itself of this precious baby you wanted so badly. The baby you never got to name, know the sex, hear their heartbeat or feel move. I literally felt like my life was over...I fell into a pit of depression, a deep dark one. I did not want anyone to come over or really to talk to anyone...I felt so alone and I was convinced no one could understand the pain I was in. I finally mustered up enough energy to reach out and found a grief group specifically for this and so we joined with other couples who knew the same or similar pain we were walking through. Flash forward five months later we decided to try and be brave and to give invitro another shot, we had more embryos and we so desperately wanted to have a baby. So December of that year we did cycle number 2 and we waited to see if Shubin Babies 3 and 4 were gonna come through...they would have been born September 16, 2011. I wish I could say this was the happy ending to the story, but just like the first we lost both of them and we were no closer to having a baby and the pit of depression was getting deeper and deeper. I did not have a ton of time to grieve as I had to get back to teaching and my Christmas break was coming to an end. As if this was not a heavy load to carry things got worse. A few months later my husband was laid off from his job, the ministry we loved and poured our heart and souls into was transferred to other people without even a warning, our best friends that we had had for years broke-up with us, and then my teaching job was given away without a warning. Literally everything that we loved, knew or trusted was ripped away. Life made no sense, life was so painful and life was hopeless in my mind. I wanted to quit, I was so low and I had no idea why a God that loves us would allow all of this to happen. So here I was a very broken and painfully hurting girl. I have never felt so alone in my life and I had no idea what to do. I was so angry and that anger turned to deep bitterness...I felt that the God I had known had forsaken me. He was not good like I had always heard about and I decided to do whatever I wanted in rebellion. I thought how dare a God that I gave my life to and served for most of my life do this to me? I thought He loved me and was for me? Where was He now? This was a very pivotal time in my life because being angry is okay but it is what you do with it that matters. It did not drive me to dig deep to find Him, instead I was like Jonah I wanted as far away from Him as possible. I was successful in doing what I wanted and trying to distract myself from dealing with any of the shattered pieces of my life. I was so empty and so far away from the life I once knew. The girl who loved to serve in just about any ministry capacity, the girl who was privileged to disciple and speak in front of youth, the girl who loved and walked with Jesus daily...she was what seemed like a distant memory. I was so numb and so broken and had no idea what to do or how to fix anything or even get back to a little of who I once was seemed impossible. Not only did I just kind of give up on life in a sense, I stopped pursuing the baby dream. That wound was SO painful that I was terrified to try again and so I abandoned that as well. So here I am broken, hurt, bitter, angry and far away in my mind from the Lord and so depressed. I thought this was how life was going to be from here on out, just one big disappointment.
You want to know the most amazing thing about the Lord, that even when you think you are far away He only allows you to go so far but He will always find you, call out to you and pursue you. He found me again except this time I was a huge mess. Another thing about the Lord is that he specializes in taking messes and making them into something beautiful! I remember calling out to Him and saying "Okay Lord I am so tired and I have made a huge mess of everything, I am broken, hurt and bitter...help me." That was literally all I could come up with to say. This my friends has been 3 years of re-learning who my God really is. Before on the outside I would look like I had it all together and was super spiritual woman, looking back I was not even close. I knew the Lord, I knew His Word and I knew all the right things to say to help people...but I did not know Him like I know Him now. The last 8 years have been so painful, it was like being in the trenches of war and the wounds were deep. I in no way would want to go back through any of that, but I would not trade it either. When you are in the deep trenches of the valley He is literally all you truly have. I had to re-learn not only who He was but who I was. My identity was so skewed and moved by everyone's opinion but God. I am now more confident in who I am than I have ever been, not because I am amazing but because I know who I am in the One who created me. I know now without any doubt that He loves me, that He has called me, that He has a purpose for my life and that He ordained all the pain for me to walk through...I do not completely understand why and I may never know until I see Him face to face in heaven and I am at peace with that. God wastes nothing...pain or joy all the same He uses it. I am here to tell you that my God good all the time even when life is not. We are going to endure pain and trials as long as we are here on earth, the choice becomes what we allow to define us...the pain or what He wants to do with us through it. Oh and that baby dream, well we picked that back up and God gave us an amazing baby boy! I could not even dream up this sweet boy...he is just awesome. His smile everyday is a reminder that God does not leave things in a broken state, you just have to sometimes walk through the rubble and then watch Him rebuild your dreams. We are all going to fall, it says so in Proverbs 24:16, but we have a choice to stay down or get back up! I have gotten back up...I have decided that I wasted too much time being ineffective that I don't want to waste another minute of what the Lord wants to do with me! I may have been down for a little while but I got back up and I will allow Him to use all the junk and pain for His glory and be available for wherever and whatever He calls me to.
Thank you for letting me be real and tell my story...if you are in a place of pain and feel like you have fallen, reach out to me I would love to love on you in any way that I can. Blessings, Michelle
Sunday, February 10, 2019
Wednesday, January 9, 2019
Full Circle
Did you ever have a diary when you were younger and then years later find it and re-read all that you had written to see if anything had come true or how different your life was? I for sure did! I did not marry any of the guys I had crushes on which is probably a huge blessing nor did I attain that mansion that the game MASH said that I would have...haha :) My childhood diary was a fun thing to find but did not really serve any purpose to me except a good chuckle of memories from when I was younger. Honestly I could not tell you where that thing is now, nor do I really care because it does not have any substantial information to hold onto.
When I was in 7th grade I was in a junior high discipleship group at church and I was given a journal from my leader of which she encouraged us to use as a prayer journal or a diary between us and the Lord. I remember that day as if it was yesterday and I took that journal and did just that, I started writing my prayers down and it was such a good outlet for me. It was a special thing between me and Jesus, it was safe and I could just pour my little heart out knowing I would be heard. I filled up that journal and then bought another and another...it had become a thing with me and the Lord. I still to this day have those prayer journals and I will keep them so that when I pass they will be given to my child or children. My childhood diary there, is nothing really that special about what is written in there, nothing that is impacting or life changing. My prayer journals, well those are special and let me tell you why. These journals are not just prayers, they are part of my story being written down in expectation, heartache, joy, pleading and waiting. If you were to look in my journals you would see the date of which I had written that specific prayer and then perhaps another date in the margin when the Lord had answered. The date of which it was originally written is not as important as the date of which the Lord answered me!! I want to tie this altogether so just bear with me.
I was reading in the book of Judges tonight and these verses stood out to me:
"The people served the Lord as long as Joshua lived. They also served him as long as the elders lived. Those were the elders who lived longer than Joshua did. They had seen all of the great things the Lord had done for Israel. Joshua, the servant of the Lord, died. He was the son of Nun. He was 110 years old when he died. His people buried his body on his own property at Timnath Heres. It's north of Mount Gaash in the hill country of Ephraim. All of the people of Joshua's time joined the members of their families who had already died. Then those who were born after them grew up. They didn't know the Lord. They didn't know what he had done for Israel. The people of Israel did what was evil in the sight of the Lord. They served the gods that were named after Baal." Judges 2:7-11
I read that and thought how did the next generation not know Him, or better yet how did they forget ALL the miracles that their fathers and grandfathers had seen? The splitting of the Red Sea, Jericho's walls falling, battles won, ect...how? Then it came to me...the generation of fathers had stopped retelling the stories, the miracles and remembering what the Lord had done for them to their kids. They did not have the Bible in text, they only had their stories to be retold from generation to generation to be a reminder of who God is and was. This made me so sad for this godless generation, because what came after was God's dealing with them and it was really hard on the nation of Israel.
So it got me thinking...if we as Christians do not tell our story and share the miracles and answers to prayers in our own lives with a lost and hopeless world how will they ever know Him? To bring it even closer, if we as parents do not share with our kids who God is, there is a world waiting to tell them all that He is not. There is a reason the Lord always told the Israelites to build an altar in places of victory, it was so that when they would pass by they would remember what God had done for them. It is the same with my prayer journal, those dates written in the margin are so that when I look back I see the faithfulness of God and what He has done in my life. Our story is not just for us, it is to be used to tell of the greatness of who God is. Are all the parts pretty? I would venture to say no and they are probably messy and sometimes painful...but God takes it all and uses it to reach those around us for His glory...yes even the most painful parts.
This blog has come full circle from the first entry I made 5 years ago...my God has been faithful to me once again and has answered the deepest cry of my heart. My arms are no longer empty, I am a mommy to am amazing baby boy! He also answered a dream of mine and that was to experience pregnancy, a time I will never forget. I have no idea what is in store, I know that I have dreams still that I pray about and wait for His leading...but in the meantime I will look back at all my altars of victory and keep telling my story because there are women out there, my child(ren) and one day their children who need to know who God is. He is a God who brings it all full circle, but in the meantime of waiting praise Him anyway there is a world watching you.
When I was in 7th grade I was in a junior high discipleship group at church and I was given a journal from my leader of which she encouraged us to use as a prayer journal or a diary between us and the Lord. I remember that day as if it was yesterday and I took that journal and did just that, I started writing my prayers down and it was such a good outlet for me. It was a special thing between me and Jesus, it was safe and I could just pour my little heart out knowing I would be heard. I filled up that journal and then bought another and another...it had become a thing with me and the Lord. I still to this day have those prayer journals and I will keep them so that when I pass they will be given to my child or children. My childhood diary there, is nothing really that special about what is written in there, nothing that is impacting or life changing. My prayer journals, well those are special and let me tell you why. These journals are not just prayers, they are part of my story being written down in expectation, heartache, joy, pleading and waiting. If you were to look in my journals you would see the date of which I had written that specific prayer and then perhaps another date in the margin when the Lord had answered. The date of which it was originally written is not as important as the date of which the Lord answered me!! I want to tie this altogether so just bear with me.
I was reading in the book of Judges tonight and these verses stood out to me:
"The people served the Lord as long as Joshua lived. They also served him as long as the elders lived. Those were the elders who lived longer than Joshua did. They had seen all of the great things the Lord had done for Israel. Joshua, the servant of the Lord, died. He was the son of Nun. He was 110 years old when he died. His people buried his body on his own property at Timnath Heres. It's north of Mount Gaash in the hill country of Ephraim. All of the people of Joshua's time joined the members of their families who had already died. Then those who were born after them grew up. They didn't know the Lord. They didn't know what he had done for Israel. The people of Israel did what was evil in the sight of the Lord. They served the gods that were named after Baal." Judges 2:7-11
I read that and thought how did the next generation not know Him, or better yet how did they forget ALL the miracles that their fathers and grandfathers had seen? The splitting of the Red Sea, Jericho's walls falling, battles won, ect...how? Then it came to me...the generation of fathers had stopped retelling the stories, the miracles and remembering what the Lord had done for them to their kids. They did not have the Bible in text, they only had their stories to be retold from generation to generation to be a reminder of who God is and was. This made me so sad for this godless generation, because what came after was God's dealing with them and it was really hard on the nation of Israel.
So it got me thinking...if we as Christians do not tell our story and share the miracles and answers to prayers in our own lives with a lost and hopeless world how will they ever know Him? To bring it even closer, if we as parents do not share with our kids who God is, there is a world waiting to tell them all that He is not. There is a reason the Lord always told the Israelites to build an altar in places of victory, it was so that when they would pass by they would remember what God had done for them. It is the same with my prayer journal, those dates written in the margin are so that when I look back I see the faithfulness of God and what He has done in my life. Our story is not just for us, it is to be used to tell of the greatness of who God is. Are all the parts pretty? I would venture to say no and they are probably messy and sometimes painful...but God takes it all and uses it to reach those around us for His glory...yes even the most painful parts.
This blog has come full circle from the first entry I made 5 years ago...my God has been faithful to me once again and has answered the deepest cry of my heart. My arms are no longer empty, I am a mommy to am amazing baby boy! He also answered a dream of mine and that was to experience pregnancy, a time I will never forget. I have no idea what is in store, I know that I have dreams still that I pray about and wait for His leading...but in the meantime I will look back at all my altars of victory and keep telling my story because there are women out there, my child(ren) and one day their children who need to know who God is. He is a God who brings it all full circle, but in the meantime of waiting praise Him anyway there is a world watching you.
Thursday, March 10, 2016
Pretend
"GOD CANNOT BLESS WHO YOU PRETEND TO BE." Pastor Steven Furtick
I love to have deep chats with people about Jesus if they are open to it, but tonight it was my husband's turn to help me dissect something that has been whirling around in my head for some time. I love his input because he has such a tender heart for others, as do I, but he just lays things out differently than I. We were talking about the topic of salvation, repentance and what it means to be a real Christian compared to those who "pretend" to be one.
The term "Christian" is used so flippantly these days, it seems that everyone would categorize themselves as one. I was reading something a while back saying that 90% of the world is a Christian, and as soon as I read that I instantly disagreed. Anyone can call themselves a Christian, but it does not mean that they truly are what Christian means..."A Follower of Christ." I can call myself a lot of things but it in no way qualifies me as such. I think what drives me crazy is people who go around saying that they love Jesus, yet their life completely contradicts everything that a follower of Christ should represent. The Bible says that the life of a true believer should produce a fruitful life, meaning that it is not just something they possess inside but their life truly exudes or shines the character of Jesus. I am in no way the true judge of everyone's heart, but I take God at His Word and if it says a life should produce fruit, something I can see, then I believe just that. So many references in the Bible talk about being outward about faith in Jesus...."Shine your light before men..." "You are the light of the world, a city on a hill cannot be hidden..." "If you confess me before men, I will confess you before my Father in heaven..." No where have I read to be quiet, hide the fact that you are a follower of Jesus. I am in no way saying go make a sign and stand on a street corner, I have deep opinions about that, but what I am saying is that your life should not blend in with the rest of the world. Jesus never blended in with anyone, in fact it was because of what He stood for that would later be the thing that made Him the "most wanted" among the religious leaders.
There are so many people who frankly are "pretending" to be Christians because it seems like the right thing to do, or gives them fire insurance from hell. As I was studying a bit earlier the verse Matthew 7:14 came to mind: "But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only few find it." What that tells me is that the day when we all stand before the Lord there will be a lot of people who thought they were a "Christian" and will be really surprised when Jesus says "Depart from me, I never knew you." Matthew 7:23 This grieves my heart that anyone would spend eternity away from the presence of the Lord, but it is the truth.
The heart of God is one that longs to bless, longs to love, longs to give life and freedom...but it only comes to a life that is fully surrendered and obedient to the Lord. It is one that runs away from a life of sin, and longs to flourish and grow in a life rooted in who He is. The quote above is so true, God cannot bless a person who is just pretending to be in a relationship with Him, you're either in or out of one. Going to church is good, but it does not make you a Jesus follower it just helps keep you accountable and in a place of growth. Reading the Bible does not do it unless your life reflects what you intake from it. Praying is great but if it is only one sided of a person shouting their demands at God instead of taking the time to thank Him for all He has done, and letting Him talk back once in awhile...it is a pretty one sided relationship. Being a "Christian" or a follower of Christ is more than a religious check list, it is a true relationship...it is one of deepest awe and respect for who He is. It is a life that reflects all that Christ embodies. The Lord will bless a person who is authentic, one that has a humble heart, one that longs to have His heart, one that strips down to the core and is just real about who they are and comes in all their brokenness.
I do not want to pretend to be anything I am not, nor do I want to stand before the Lord one day and not know for sure that I will hear "Well done good and faithful servant, enter into my Father's rest." I want to be the real deal even if that leaves me lonely like John the Baptist lol, but you get my drift. The way our world is going it seems that the Lord coming back seems nearer and nearer...there is no time to pretend, the world needs Him more now than ever before. It is time that people are either in or out...not in the quiet middle.
I love to have deep chats with people about Jesus if they are open to it, but tonight it was my husband's turn to help me dissect something that has been whirling around in my head for some time. I love his input because he has such a tender heart for others, as do I, but he just lays things out differently than I. We were talking about the topic of salvation, repentance and what it means to be a real Christian compared to those who "pretend" to be one.
The term "Christian" is used so flippantly these days, it seems that everyone would categorize themselves as one. I was reading something a while back saying that 90% of the world is a Christian, and as soon as I read that I instantly disagreed. Anyone can call themselves a Christian, but it does not mean that they truly are what Christian means..."A Follower of Christ." I can call myself a lot of things but it in no way qualifies me as such. I think what drives me crazy is people who go around saying that they love Jesus, yet their life completely contradicts everything that a follower of Christ should represent. The Bible says that the life of a true believer should produce a fruitful life, meaning that it is not just something they possess inside but their life truly exudes or shines the character of Jesus. I am in no way the true judge of everyone's heart, but I take God at His Word and if it says a life should produce fruit, something I can see, then I believe just that. So many references in the Bible talk about being outward about faith in Jesus...."Shine your light before men..." "You are the light of the world, a city on a hill cannot be hidden..." "If you confess me before men, I will confess you before my Father in heaven..." No where have I read to be quiet, hide the fact that you are a follower of Jesus. I am in no way saying go make a sign and stand on a street corner, I have deep opinions about that, but what I am saying is that your life should not blend in with the rest of the world. Jesus never blended in with anyone, in fact it was because of what He stood for that would later be the thing that made Him the "most wanted" among the religious leaders.
There are so many people who frankly are "pretending" to be Christians because it seems like the right thing to do, or gives them fire insurance from hell. As I was studying a bit earlier the verse Matthew 7:14 came to mind: "But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only few find it." What that tells me is that the day when we all stand before the Lord there will be a lot of people who thought they were a "Christian" and will be really surprised when Jesus says "Depart from me, I never knew you." Matthew 7:23 This grieves my heart that anyone would spend eternity away from the presence of the Lord, but it is the truth.
The heart of God is one that longs to bless, longs to love, longs to give life and freedom...but it only comes to a life that is fully surrendered and obedient to the Lord. It is one that runs away from a life of sin, and longs to flourish and grow in a life rooted in who He is. The quote above is so true, God cannot bless a person who is just pretending to be in a relationship with Him, you're either in or out of one. Going to church is good, but it does not make you a Jesus follower it just helps keep you accountable and in a place of growth. Reading the Bible does not do it unless your life reflects what you intake from it. Praying is great but if it is only one sided of a person shouting their demands at God instead of taking the time to thank Him for all He has done, and letting Him talk back once in awhile...it is a pretty one sided relationship. Being a "Christian" or a follower of Christ is more than a religious check list, it is a true relationship...it is one of deepest awe and respect for who He is. It is a life that reflects all that Christ embodies. The Lord will bless a person who is authentic, one that has a humble heart, one that longs to have His heart, one that strips down to the core and is just real about who they are and comes in all their brokenness.
I do not want to pretend to be anything I am not, nor do I want to stand before the Lord one day and not know for sure that I will hear "Well done good and faithful servant, enter into my Father's rest." I want to be the real deal even if that leaves me lonely like John the Baptist lol, but you get my drift. The way our world is going it seems that the Lord coming back seems nearer and nearer...there is no time to pretend, the world needs Him more now than ever before. It is time that people are either in or out...not in the quiet middle.
Sunday, February 7, 2016
Without Borders
I have been down sick for the last 3 days with this nasty stomach flu virus, with that being said, I have also spent a lot of time sleeping, hence why I am up now and blogging. One of my close friends who is my sweet sister in Christ, my accountability partner, my sounding board...texted me yesterday and said "Hey since you are laid up in bed, check out the IFGathering online, it is awesome." I did not watch it yesterday, so I have spent the last 3 hours watching some of my favorite women speakers and really just allowing the Word of God that was given to them minister to my heart. One of my favorite speakers is Bianca Olthoff, otherwise known as Pastor Pancho Juarez's daughter from Calvary Chapel Montebello...she has the same fire when she preaches like her dad! There was something that I felt like the Lord pressed deeply on my heart while I listened and I felt like sharing in case maybe you also could relate. (Now that I have given a lengthy intro:)
I have been on a weird, painful, emotional, bitter, angry journey in the last ten years...all those emotions have hit me at one point. If one would ask me about my faith, I would probably say that it is good...I mean after-all I believe in Jesus and have served Him more than half my life...gotta say something right? Well in the last couple months the Lord has been speaking to me about the depth of my faith and what it truly looks like, the kind of depth when He asks me "Michelle, do you love me more than anything? Will you still believe in me if the dream you have does not look like the dream I have for you? Will you trust my heart for you?" I am so sorry but those are really hard questions because He is not looking for the fluffy answers, but what is deep down in the gut of my soul. The more I have searched my heart, what has been revealed is that yes I do love Jesus BUT there have been strings attached..."Lord I will love you, serve you with all my heart if you give me..." That was a harsh reality for me to see that reflection. Because deep down I have always wanted to be whole-heartedly in to all God has for me, but because of trials it has caused me to doubt His goodness, who He is, and if He really loves me. I love that God's Word has real people and real stories of people who also not only have felt similar feelings I have, but to see how Jesus shows up or doesn't in those situations.
In John 11 Lazurus the brother of Mary and Martha is sick, and they send word to Jesus that He needs to come quickly...He waits 4 days. UHHH hello Jesus did you understand that unless you show up Lazurus is gonna die? Like this is your homie or as the Bible says "the one whom Jesus loves." I am so very sorry but if I am on my death bed and I send word to my besties they better get a move on and make it to my bedside. Anyhow that has nothing to do with anything haha. So here are two sisters completely beside themselves, Jesus doesn't come and their brother dies. Where I want to focus is where Mary (her name means rebellion and bitter) encounters Jesus.
"When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw Him, she FELL at His feet and said 'Lord if you had been here, my brother would not have died."
If you read above Martha had quite a few words for Jesus as if she was ready to throw blows, Mary on the other hand literally fell at the feet of the Messiah. She left her bitterness and her rebellious attitude at the feet of Jesus.
So here I sat listening and I just felt the Lord tell me, "Michelle that is what I have been asking for from you." Instantly tears. It all came full circle for me...for ten years I have carried so many emotions about something I hold close to my heart but mostly bitterness, anger and rebellion. I heard myself say "Lord where were you when I cried out to you and asked you to save my babies lives? Why would you allow me to walk such a hard road and not intervene at all? Why would you allow me to feel joy of being pregnant and then taking them away?...Lord if only you had been here none of this would have happened! I have been just like Mary so many times, except foe the laying it down at Jesus feet part!! Like I mentioned in the last few months I have heard the Lord prompting me to lay it down, all down. I know that I will attempt to grab it back and then I will have to lay it back down again, because it is a struggle for me at times just being human. But my resolve is this, I would rather lay down the things I hold most dear to me before the feet of Jesus and walk hard roads with Him rather than alone and not miss out on all the good that He has in store for me...than to hold onto the bitterness and anger and stay stuck in a place of misery and navigate on my own. At some point as a Christian we have to be in a place of growth where it is just not the basics anymore and where we step out into the unknown where He is calling and it is then that we find out that we really do believe that He is who He says He is, or at the very core we do not believe in Him at all...there is no middle ground.
So my new prayer is that the Lord would lead me where my trust is without borders (thank you Hillsong worship) that as I take baby steps in the directions He calls me to I will trust Him, that when things do not make sense, I will trust Him, that when things do not go my way, I will trust Him. Oh the freedom this brings to my restless heart! Here I am Lord...send me.
Thursday, August 6, 2015
Corner
I heard this sermon the other day about Jesus being in "my corner" and I started thinking about the verse that says that "If God is for me who can be against me" (Romans 8:31) and what that really looks like not just with God being in our corner, but the people in our lives who are.
So I thought, why not ask a few of the ladies in my life what their take on this subject is and see if it lines up or differs from what my thoughts are. I was not really that surprised to find that the "data" I collected was pretty similar. Here are some of what was shared on what "being in your corner" looks like to them: "It means that I will fight for you even if that means I have to be completely honest with you, even when it is hard. It means I would stand up for you if malicious gossip should arise about you." "It means that they are for you and want to see you succeed, that they would help you at any time even if it is inconvienient, to see what is really going on in your life...beyond surface talk." "It means that they have your back and you do not have to question it when you are not around." "It means that they are your cheerleader, cheering you on and walk beside you in life...the good and bad." "It is praying for you when I do not have the words to say and allow Jesus to love on you." As I read through these I thought what wisdom had been spoken, but also, I wonder how much hurt or pain was caused that these ladies learned the true meaning of this. Since I heard this sermon it has been swirling around in my head because I think this topic is so needed in life, and the truth of the matter is that it is rare because too many people are so self consumed with their own life they barely look over to see the ones that God has given them to run this life race with. Not everyone in your life is "in your corner" plain and simple. It takes wisdom and discernment to learn who these people are, but when you do figure it out, hold them close they are a rare commodity. I do not know about you but when I am with my "in my corner friends" I feel as if all is right in the world, I can be myself, share the deep things of my heart and know that it will stay confidential, that whatever the world throws at me I know they will encourage and pray for me...fight the fight with me. There is something so sweet and so secure about it, that it brings so much joy. I have also lived through my share of very painful goodbyes to people in my life that said they were "in my corner" but turned out not to be. There are so many things that surround the situations that do not make sense, but I trust that the Lord will straighten what needs staightening. As strange as it may sound I am thankful for those painful moments (if only for this very second, I will probably change my mind later:) because it taught me how to love people better, to long suffer with them, to be a better friend, to be empathetic when they hurt, to be loyal even when they do not deserve it, to ask the hard questions even if it's too honest, to fight for the people that matter and not give up when things are tough, to encourage, pray harder, to stick up for them even if they are not present and to be their biggest fan.
To truly exemplify what was listed above takes a love for others that really only Jesus can fill you with. We fight our flesh everyday and make decisions either that are right or ones that are wrong. Example: We can either gossip because we feel justified in our position or we can pray and allow the Lord to handle it. We fight these kinds of choices everyday.
If I was to ask you, list the people in your life that "are in your corner" how many could you list? If I was to ask people in your life "is so and so in your corner? What would they say? Probably would be a good conversation piece over lunch sometime. No one is perfect and we will not always be pefect "corner" friends, but trying to be better at it is what counts. Learning from your mistakes, and taking ownership over them is what it is all about. Like I said, not everyone is for you and it would be wise to figure that out because the ones that are deserve your time and effort. I may not get this "corner friend" stuff right all the time, but I am gonna fight trying so that if asked if I am in their corner the answer would be, "I have no doubt."
"As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend." Proverbs 27:17
"So encourage one another and build each other up." 1 Thessalonians 5:11
So I thought, why not ask a few of the ladies in my life what their take on this subject is and see if it lines up or differs from what my thoughts are. I was not really that surprised to find that the "data" I collected was pretty similar. Here are some of what was shared on what "being in your corner" looks like to them: "It means that I will fight for you even if that means I have to be completely honest with you, even when it is hard. It means I would stand up for you if malicious gossip should arise about you." "It means that they are for you and want to see you succeed, that they would help you at any time even if it is inconvienient, to see what is really going on in your life...beyond surface talk." "It means that they have your back and you do not have to question it when you are not around." "It means that they are your cheerleader, cheering you on and walk beside you in life...the good and bad." "It is praying for you when I do not have the words to say and allow Jesus to love on you." As I read through these I thought what wisdom had been spoken, but also, I wonder how much hurt or pain was caused that these ladies learned the true meaning of this. Since I heard this sermon it has been swirling around in my head because I think this topic is so needed in life, and the truth of the matter is that it is rare because too many people are so self consumed with their own life they barely look over to see the ones that God has given them to run this life race with. Not everyone in your life is "in your corner" plain and simple. It takes wisdom and discernment to learn who these people are, but when you do figure it out, hold them close they are a rare commodity. I do not know about you but when I am with my "in my corner friends" I feel as if all is right in the world, I can be myself, share the deep things of my heart and know that it will stay confidential, that whatever the world throws at me I know they will encourage and pray for me...fight the fight with me. There is something so sweet and so secure about it, that it brings so much joy. I have also lived through my share of very painful goodbyes to people in my life that said they were "in my corner" but turned out not to be. There are so many things that surround the situations that do not make sense, but I trust that the Lord will straighten what needs staightening. As strange as it may sound I am thankful for those painful moments (if only for this very second, I will probably change my mind later:) because it taught me how to love people better, to long suffer with them, to be a better friend, to be empathetic when they hurt, to be loyal even when they do not deserve it, to ask the hard questions even if it's too honest, to fight for the people that matter and not give up when things are tough, to encourage, pray harder, to stick up for them even if they are not present and to be their biggest fan.
To truly exemplify what was listed above takes a love for others that really only Jesus can fill you with. We fight our flesh everyday and make decisions either that are right or ones that are wrong. Example: We can either gossip because we feel justified in our position or we can pray and allow the Lord to handle it. We fight these kinds of choices everyday.
If I was to ask you, list the people in your life that "are in your corner" how many could you list? If I was to ask people in your life "is so and so in your corner? What would they say? Probably would be a good conversation piece over lunch sometime. No one is perfect and we will not always be pefect "corner" friends, but trying to be better at it is what counts. Learning from your mistakes, and taking ownership over them is what it is all about. Like I said, not everyone is for you and it would be wise to figure that out because the ones that are deserve your time and effort. I may not get this "corner friend" stuff right all the time, but I am gonna fight trying so that if asked if I am in their corner the answer would be, "I have no doubt."
"As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend." Proverbs 27:17
"So encourage one another and build each other up." 1 Thessalonians 5:11
Thursday, April 23, 2015
Change of Plans
"Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God." Matthew 5:8
I would say that I am pretty strong willed and I can articulate very well what I want in life. My mom used to tell me all the time growing up that Dr. Dobson wrote the book "Strong Willed Child" after me, so there ya go. I would say that being strong willed has positives to it and it is a main reason that I have never really been a follower, but the negative is that it usually takes me longer to learn lessons than those who are teachable from the start. I would say that being strong willed is one of the reasons I struggle in my walk with the Lord, not because I think I know more than Him, but that His ways for my life go against all that I had planned...my idea of a perfect life. I know it sounds so dumb that I could have "better" ways than the Creator of the Universe, but in my human and feeble mind it makes total sense:)
My friends and family that are closest to me know that I am a planner, I don't like surprises very much, especially if it means life is throwing me a curve ball. Well at the age of 25 the biggest curve ball was thrown at me and it would not only alter my biggest life dream, but also the timeline I created for myself...to have children. There I sat in a doctors office as they told me I had PCOS and that I may or may not be able to conceive on my own and if I did they had no idea how long that would take. My life was now at a hault and I could not even begin to wrap my head around what that meant! I usually am the person who can pick herself up by the bootstraps and move forward but I was frozen and had NO idea what this meant. Here I sit 10 years later, with many failed attempts at getting pregnant naturally, with the help of medicine, two invitro cycles and two miscarriages, only to leave me with empty arms still.
All through this journey I have been VERY closed fisted with God basically telling Him this is how this is gonna go down..."you will fix this, you will allow me to have children and be pregnant and you will make this right!!" I am strong willed remember, so changing the plan on me is not how I like to do things. I wanted what I wanted and that was final!!
People have often asked have you ever thought of adoption, and for years I was SO closed off to it, I wanted my own baby and I wanted it my way. I have nothing against adoption at all, I think it is a beautiful thing, I am adopted by my dad and I am thankful that he cared enough to give me his last name and stand in the gap for my absent sperm donor. The problem was that it was not in my life plan, I was going to get pregnant when I was 25, then the second at 27 and maybe a third at 29...none of that happened. The thought of adoption made me SO angry because I thought..."why should I have to alter my dream God, and get the second best option? (I am being really real here, not saying that this is a pretty convo) Why does everyone else get to have babies, even teenagers or druggies and here I cannot even have a baby...but You want me to possibly take a baby from an unfortunate situation and given them a home? No...just not fair God, not fair at all." To say the least through all this wresting with God I will say I have not only been humbled, but He has also softened my heart a bit.
In the last few months I have been praying for the Lord to give me eyes to see this from His perspective in this situation (which has killed me, I am stubborn) and to give me an understanding. I can honestly say that I trust the Lord whole heartedly with my life except this area, but He desires all of me so it has been a 10 year learning experience. I think that I can say today that I am open to how the Lord is going to bring me children, I am hoping that I get to carry a baby...BUT if not I will praise Him anyway. As I type this with tears streaming down my face, I am laying my dream of being a mom at the feet of my Jesus. There are so many children that are abandoned and I know that I could love that child with my whole being! Maybe we will adopt from a Liberian orphanage, and rescue a child who has lost both parents from sickness or from being killed. It has taken me 10 years to finally realize that I am a mom whether I birth them myself or take them from being an orphan and giving them a loving home. I am sure that I will have days where I struggle and feel insecure about my barreness, but I also know that God has given me the desire to be a mom, a heart filled with so much love to lavish on a child or children, and I want ALL that He has for me. So Lord, I am done fighting...you know my dreams and desires, you know what is best for me and Andrew and so Lord today I trust your heart in this.
I would say that I am pretty strong willed and I can articulate very well what I want in life. My mom used to tell me all the time growing up that Dr. Dobson wrote the book "Strong Willed Child" after me, so there ya go. I would say that being strong willed has positives to it and it is a main reason that I have never really been a follower, but the negative is that it usually takes me longer to learn lessons than those who are teachable from the start. I would say that being strong willed is one of the reasons I struggle in my walk with the Lord, not because I think I know more than Him, but that His ways for my life go against all that I had planned...my idea of a perfect life. I know it sounds so dumb that I could have "better" ways than the Creator of the Universe, but in my human and feeble mind it makes total sense:)
My friends and family that are closest to me know that I am a planner, I don't like surprises very much, especially if it means life is throwing me a curve ball. Well at the age of 25 the biggest curve ball was thrown at me and it would not only alter my biggest life dream, but also the timeline I created for myself...to have children. There I sat in a doctors office as they told me I had PCOS and that I may or may not be able to conceive on my own and if I did they had no idea how long that would take. My life was now at a hault and I could not even begin to wrap my head around what that meant! I usually am the person who can pick herself up by the bootstraps and move forward but I was frozen and had NO idea what this meant. Here I sit 10 years later, with many failed attempts at getting pregnant naturally, with the help of medicine, two invitro cycles and two miscarriages, only to leave me with empty arms still.
All through this journey I have been VERY closed fisted with God basically telling Him this is how this is gonna go down..."you will fix this, you will allow me to have children and be pregnant and you will make this right!!" I am strong willed remember, so changing the plan on me is not how I like to do things. I wanted what I wanted and that was final!!
People have often asked have you ever thought of adoption, and for years I was SO closed off to it, I wanted my own baby and I wanted it my way. I have nothing against adoption at all, I think it is a beautiful thing, I am adopted by my dad and I am thankful that he cared enough to give me his last name and stand in the gap for my absent sperm donor. The problem was that it was not in my life plan, I was going to get pregnant when I was 25, then the second at 27 and maybe a third at 29...none of that happened. The thought of adoption made me SO angry because I thought..."why should I have to alter my dream God, and get the second best option? (I am being really real here, not saying that this is a pretty convo) Why does everyone else get to have babies, even teenagers or druggies and here I cannot even have a baby...but You want me to possibly take a baby from an unfortunate situation and given them a home? No...just not fair God, not fair at all." To say the least through all this wresting with God I will say I have not only been humbled, but He has also softened my heart a bit.
In the last few months I have been praying for the Lord to give me eyes to see this from His perspective in this situation (which has killed me, I am stubborn) and to give me an understanding. I can honestly say that I trust the Lord whole heartedly with my life except this area, but He desires all of me so it has been a 10 year learning experience. I think that I can say today that I am open to how the Lord is going to bring me children, I am hoping that I get to carry a baby...BUT if not I will praise Him anyway. As I type this with tears streaming down my face, I am laying my dream of being a mom at the feet of my Jesus. There are so many children that are abandoned and I know that I could love that child with my whole being! Maybe we will adopt from a Liberian orphanage, and rescue a child who has lost both parents from sickness or from being killed. It has taken me 10 years to finally realize that I am a mom whether I birth them myself or take them from being an orphan and giving them a loving home. I am sure that I will have days where I struggle and feel insecure about my barreness, but I also know that God has given me the desire to be a mom, a heart filled with so much love to lavish on a child or children, and I want ALL that He has for me. So Lord, I am done fighting...you know my dreams and desires, you know what is best for me and Andrew and so Lord today I trust your heart in this.
Thursday, March 19, 2015
Present
"Rejoice with those who rejoice, and mourn with those who mourn." Romans 12:15
In my own life I have found that rejoicing and mourning with others can at times be a very hard task. I guess I would say behind each their is a wound or a story that goes with it.
In California we do not have basements, but just imagine it is a big area to stuff a bunch of junk into. In friendships there are risks; will we allow them to see our cluttered, messy basement that screams I really do not have it all together like I try to portray? Do we have those friends that we allow to come into our cluttered and messy life junk or do we keep them at an arms length because if we allow them to see who we really are they will run for the hills? To say that I love people is kind of an understatement, I love deeply and with that love has come great heartache. I have had friendships that in my mind would be forever friendships, I mean they not only saw my cluttered basement but helped me sort through the mess. These people were friends that I linked arms with when life was hard, when we faced unbearable loss, did ministry with, prayed with and rejoiced with. I let my guard down, I let them into my cluttered and broken places, I desired deep friendship and that was what I thought I had. Turns out it was for a season and when that season of friendships were over, I was heart broken. That's it? Done? Why did I invest so much time for our friendship to end? Why did I let them in? What good will come from this? These were just a few questions that came to mind. I will come back to this story.
You ever have a friend that you know if you ever wanted to do something crazy they would be right by your side because they love you too much? The friendship of Lucy and Ethel come to mind as I type. Or the friend that when you are really going through what you think could be life's greatest trial, goes against your wishes of wanting to be alone and comes over anyways to sit with you in your silence and pain? I have had these types of friends and with them came many fun memories, but the last one made a HUGE impression on me, let me tell you why. For whatever reason pain is a very messy and uncomfortable place for most people and not many will volunteer to sit in it with you. I had had my 9 week check-up to hear our baby's heartbeat, there wasn't one...I was told that in a few short days I would begin the process of miscarriage. Excuse me doctor, what??? To me I did not just loose my baby, I lost my hope, my dream of what would be, and my world was shattered into a million pieces in a matter of seconds. I had walked 5 years in this long road of infertiliy and here was the chance that it was changing, but that was not so. I remember feeling so numb as I laid on that cold exam table and everything around me was so dark. As news leaked out to our family and friends, people started calling, texting, emailing their condolences but none of that really made it better, it was as if no one knew the deep sadness we were feeling. People would say "Let me know if you need anything" I had NO idea what I needed, and doing my everyday responsibilities seemed daunting. About 2 days later I received a text from my good friend that said "We would like to come and see you" and my pride said absolutely not, I do not want to feel awkward from people dealing with my pain, so I answered "Another day would be better." About 10 minutes later the doorbell rang and there they were at our doorstep, and as soon as she stepped into my house and hugged me the tears just flooded out of me. That hug in my deepest pain ministered to my aching heart. She did not care how awkward I was feeling, or that I could not put into words what my heart needed, she was just present. For 2 hours they sat on our couch and we barely spoke, they prayed over us when they felt led to do so, they brought a meal so I would not have to cook, but mostly they just showed up. My husband and I's brokenness was not too much for them, and the silence was not so awkward that they ran for the hills, they were willing to love us where we were at, and that was exactly what I needed but could not say.
To rejoice with those who rejoice means that you honestly are filled with joy and celebrate the season of life that they are in, even if your life in not as joyful at that moment. To mourn with those who mourn means that regardless of how uncomfortable it may be you sit in the brokenness with them. If they feel like breaking glass to make themself feel better you grab a glass and break it with them. In the first story I shared that I had lost some close friends. The reason those friendships ended was because they could not handle our grief anymore, they wanted us to be in a place of rejoicing as heir lives had been moved to that place, but that is not how life works. My husband and I had become too much for them and so they decided that they would distance themselves from us and it was heart breaking. I will say that I have learned from the pain, I have learned what it means to really do life with others, to love them unconditionally where they are in life and that whether they are in a season of rejoicing or mourning I will link arms with them and walk beside them. I have learned the importance of being present when it matters most. I have learned that fighting for my friendships is important and that people are always more important than my schedule. I have been asked to walk a hard road, one I do not understand most days, but I am grateful for the few that have loved me unconditionally and continue to walk my life journey with me.
In my own life I have found that rejoicing and mourning with others can at times be a very hard task. I guess I would say behind each their is a wound or a story that goes with it.
In California we do not have basements, but just imagine it is a big area to stuff a bunch of junk into. In friendships there are risks; will we allow them to see our cluttered, messy basement that screams I really do not have it all together like I try to portray? Do we have those friends that we allow to come into our cluttered and messy life junk or do we keep them at an arms length because if we allow them to see who we really are they will run for the hills? To say that I love people is kind of an understatement, I love deeply and with that love has come great heartache. I have had friendships that in my mind would be forever friendships, I mean they not only saw my cluttered basement but helped me sort through the mess. These people were friends that I linked arms with when life was hard, when we faced unbearable loss, did ministry with, prayed with and rejoiced with. I let my guard down, I let them into my cluttered and broken places, I desired deep friendship and that was what I thought I had. Turns out it was for a season and when that season of friendships were over, I was heart broken. That's it? Done? Why did I invest so much time for our friendship to end? Why did I let them in? What good will come from this? These were just a few questions that came to mind. I will come back to this story.
You ever have a friend that you know if you ever wanted to do something crazy they would be right by your side because they love you too much? The friendship of Lucy and Ethel come to mind as I type. Or the friend that when you are really going through what you think could be life's greatest trial, goes against your wishes of wanting to be alone and comes over anyways to sit with you in your silence and pain? I have had these types of friends and with them came many fun memories, but the last one made a HUGE impression on me, let me tell you why. For whatever reason pain is a very messy and uncomfortable place for most people and not many will volunteer to sit in it with you. I had had my 9 week check-up to hear our baby's heartbeat, there wasn't one...I was told that in a few short days I would begin the process of miscarriage. Excuse me doctor, what??? To me I did not just loose my baby, I lost my hope, my dream of what would be, and my world was shattered into a million pieces in a matter of seconds. I had walked 5 years in this long road of infertiliy and here was the chance that it was changing, but that was not so. I remember feeling so numb as I laid on that cold exam table and everything around me was so dark. As news leaked out to our family and friends, people started calling, texting, emailing their condolences but none of that really made it better, it was as if no one knew the deep sadness we were feeling. People would say "Let me know if you need anything" I had NO idea what I needed, and doing my everyday responsibilities seemed daunting. About 2 days later I received a text from my good friend that said "We would like to come and see you" and my pride said absolutely not, I do not want to feel awkward from people dealing with my pain, so I answered "Another day would be better." About 10 minutes later the doorbell rang and there they were at our doorstep, and as soon as she stepped into my house and hugged me the tears just flooded out of me. That hug in my deepest pain ministered to my aching heart. She did not care how awkward I was feeling, or that I could not put into words what my heart needed, she was just present. For 2 hours they sat on our couch and we barely spoke, they prayed over us when they felt led to do so, they brought a meal so I would not have to cook, but mostly they just showed up. My husband and I's brokenness was not too much for them, and the silence was not so awkward that they ran for the hills, they were willing to love us where we were at, and that was exactly what I needed but could not say.
To rejoice with those who rejoice means that you honestly are filled with joy and celebrate the season of life that they are in, even if your life in not as joyful at that moment. To mourn with those who mourn means that regardless of how uncomfortable it may be you sit in the brokenness with them. If they feel like breaking glass to make themself feel better you grab a glass and break it with them. In the first story I shared that I had lost some close friends. The reason those friendships ended was because they could not handle our grief anymore, they wanted us to be in a place of rejoicing as heir lives had been moved to that place, but that is not how life works. My husband and I had become too much for them and so they decided that they would distance themselves from us and it was heart breaking. I will say that I have learned from the pain, I have learned what it means to really do life with others, to love them unconditionally where they are in life and that whether they are in a season of rejoicing or mourning I will link arms with them and walk beside them. I have learned the importance of being present when it matters most. I have learned that fighting for my friendships is important and that people are always more important than my schedule. I have been asked to walk a hard road, one I do not understand most days, but I am grateful for the few that have loved me unconditionally and continue to walk my life journey with me.
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