Without Borders

I have been down sick for the last 3 days with this nasty stomach flu virus, with that being said, I have also spent a lot of time sleeping, hence why I am up now and blogging.  One of my close friends who is my sweet sister in Christ, my accountability partner, my sounding board...texted me yesterday and said "Hey since you are laid up in bed, check out the IFGathering online, it is awesome."  I did not watch it yesterday, so I have spent the last 3 hours watching some of my favorite women speakers and really just allowing the Word of God that was given to them minister to my heart.  One of my favorite speakers is Bianca Olthoff, otherwise known as Pastor Pancho Juarez's daughter from Calvary Chapel Montebello...she has the same fire when she preaches like her dad!  There was something that I felt like the Lord pressed deeply on my heart while I listened and I felt like sharing in case maybe you also could relate. (Now that I have given a lengthy intro:)

I have been on a weird, painful, emotional, bitter, angry journey in the last ten years...all those emotions have hit me at one point.  If one would ask me about my faith, I would probably say that it is good...I mean after-all I believe in Jesus and have served Him more than half my life...gotta say something right?  Well in the last couple months the Lord has been speaking to me about the depth of my faith and what it truly looks like, the kind of depth when He asks me "Michelle, do you love me more than anything?  Will you still believe in me if the dream you have does not look like the dream I have for you?  Will you trust my heart for you?"  I am so sorry but those are really hard questions because He is not looking for the fluffy answers, but what is deep down in the gut of my soul.  The more I have searched my heart, what has been revealed is that yes I do love Jesus BUT there have been strings attached..."Lord I will love you, serve you with all my heart if you give me..."  That was a harsh reality for me to see that reflection.  Because deep down I have always wanted to be whole-heartedly in to all God has for me, but because of trials it has caused me to doubt His goodness, who He is, and if He really loves me. I love that God's Word has real people and real stories of people who also not only have felt similar feelings I have, but to see how Jesus shows up or doesn't in those situations.

In John 11 Lazurus the brother of Mary and Martha is sick, and they send word to Jesus that He needs to come quickly...He waits 4 days. UHHH hello Jesus did you understand that unless you show up Lazurus is gonna die? Like this is your homie or as the Bible says "the one whom Jesus loves."  I am so very sorry but if I am on my death bed and I send word to my besties they better get a move on and make it to my bedside. Anyhow that has nothing to do with anything haha.  So here are two sisters completely beside themselves, Jesus doesn't come and their brother dies. Where I want to focus is where Mary (her name means rebellion and bitter) encounters Jesus.

"When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw Him, she FELL at His feet and said 'Lord if you had been here, my brother would not have died."  

If you read above Martha had quite a few words for Jesus as if she was ready to throw blows, Mary on the other hand literally fell at the feet of the Messiah.  She left her bitterness and her rebellious attitude at the feet of Jesus.

So here I sat listening and I just felt the Lord tell me, "Michelle that is what I have been asking for from you."  Instantly tears. It all came full circle for me...for ten years I have carried so many emotions about something I hold close to my heart but mostly bitterness, anger and rebellion.  I heard myself say "Lord where were you when I cried out to you and asked you to save my babies lives? Why would you allow me to walk such a hard road and not intervene at all?  Why would you allow me to feel joy of being pregnant and then taking them away?...Lord if only you had been here none of this would have happened!  I have been just like Mary so many times, except foe the laying it down at Jesus feet part!! Like I mentioned in the last few months I have heard the Lord prompting me to lay it down, all down.  I know that I will attempt to grab it back and then I will have to lay it back down again, because it is a struggle for me at times just being human.  But my resolve is this, I would rather lay down the things I hold most dear to me before the feet of Jesus and walk hard roads with Him rather than alone and not miss out on all the good that He has in store for me...than to hold onto the bitterness and anger and stay stuck in a place of misery and navigate on my own.  At some point as a Christian we have to be in a place of growth where it is just not the basics anymore and where we step out into the unknown where He is calling and it is then that we find out that we really do believe that He is who He says He is, or at the very core we do not believe in Him at all...there is no middle ground.

So my new prayer is that the Lord would lead me where my trust is without borders (thank you Hillsong worship) that as I take baby steps in the directions He calls me to I will trust Him, that when things do not make sense, I will trust Him, that when things do not go my way, I will trust Him.  Oh the freedom this brings to my restless heart! Here I am Lord...send me.