Change of Plans

"Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God." Matthew 5:8

I would say that I am pretty strong willed and I can articulate very well what I want in life.  My mom used to tell me all the time growing up that Dr. Dobson wrote the book "Strong Willed Child" after me, so there ya go.  I would say that being strong willed has positives to it and it is a main reason that I have never really been a follower, but the negative is that it usually takes me longer to learn lessons than those who are teachable from the start.  I would say that being strong willed is one of the reasons I struggle in my walk with the Lord, not because I think I know more than Him, but that His ways for my life go against all that I had planned...my idea of a perfect life.  I know it sounds so dumb that I could have "better" ways than the Creator of the Universe, but in my human and feeble mind it makes total sense:)
My friends and family that are closest to me know that I am a planner, I don't like surprises very much, especially if it means life is throwing me a curve ball.  Well at the age of 25 the biggest curve ball was thrown at me and it would not only alter my biggest life dream, but also the timeline I created for myself...to have children.  There I sat in a doctors office as they told me I had PCOS and that I may or may not be able to conceive on my own and if I did they had no idea how long that would take.  My life was now at a hault and I could not even begin to wrap my head around what that meant!  I usually am the person who can pick herself up by the bootstraps and move forward but I was frozen and had NO idea what this meant.  Here I sit 10 years later, with many failed attempts at getting pregnant naturally, with the help of medicine, two invitro cycles and two miscarriages, only to leave me with empty arms still.
All through this journey I have been VERY closed fisted with God basically telling Him this is how this is gonna go down..."you will fix this, you will allow me to have children and be pregnant and you will make this right!!"  I am strong willed remember, so changing the plan on me is not how I like to do things.  I wanted what I wanted and that was final!!
People have often asked have you ever thought of adoption, and for years I was SO closed off to it,  I wanted my own baby and I wanted it my way.  I have nothing against adoption at all, I think it is a beautiful thing, I am adopted by my dad and I am thankful that he cared enough to give me his last name and stand in the gap for my absent sperm donor.  The problem was that it was not in my life plan, I was going to get pregnant when I was 25, then the second at 27 and maybe a third at 29...none of that happened.  The thought of adoption made me SO angry because I thought..."why should I have to alter my dream God, and get the second best option? (I am being really real here, not saying that this is a pretty convo) Why does everyone else get to have babies, even teenagers or druggies and here I cannot even have a baby...but You want me to possibly take a baby from an unfortunate situation and given them a home? No...just not fair God, not fair at all."  To say the least through all this wresting with God I will say I have not only been humbled, but He has also softened my heart a bit.
In the last few months I have been praying for the Lord to give me eyes to see this from His perspective in this situation (which has killed me, I am stubborn) and to give me an understanding.  I can honestly say that I trust the Lord whole heartedly with my life except this area, but He desires all of me so it has been a 10 year learning experience.  I think that I can say today that I am open to how the Lord is going to bring me children, I am hoping that I get to carry a baby...BUT if not I will praise Him anyway.  As I type this with tears streaming down my face, I am laying my dream of being a mom at the feet of my Jesus.   There are so many children that are abandoned and I know that I could love that child with my whole being! Maybe we will adopt from a Liberian orphanage, and rescue a child who has lost both parents from sickness or from being killed.  It has taken me 10 years to finally realize that I am a mom whether I birth them myself or take them from being an orphan and giving them a loving home.  I am sure that I will have days where I struggle and feel insecure about my barreness, but I also know that God has given me the desire to be a mom, a heart filled with so much love to lavish on a child or children, and I want ALL that He has for me.  So Lord, I am done fighting...you know my dreams and desires, you know what is best for me and Andrew and so Lord today I trust your heart in this.