I heard this sermon the other day about Jesus being in "my corner" and I started thinking about the verse that says that "If God is for me who can be against me" (Romans 8:31) and what that really looks like not just with God being in our corner, but the people in our lives who are.
So I thought, why not ask a few of the ladies in my life what their take on this subject is and see if it lines up or differs from what my thoughts are. I was not really that surprised to find that the "data" I collected was pretty similar. Here are some of what was shared on what "being in your corner" looks like to them: "It means that I will fight for you even if that means I have to be completely honest with you, even when it is hard. It means I would stand up for you if malicious gossip should arise about you." "It means that they are for you and want to see you succeed, that they would help you at any time even if it is inconvienient, to see what is really going on in your life...beyond surface talk." "It means that they have your back and you do not have to question it when you are not around." "It means that they are your cheerleader, cheering you on and walk beside you in life...the good and bad." "It is praying for you when I do not have the words to say and allow Jesus to love on you." As I read through these I thought what wisdom had been spoken, but also, I wonder how much hurt or pain was caused that these ladies learned the true meaning of this. Since I heard this sermon it has been swirling around in my head because I think this topic is so needed in life, and the truth of the matter is that it is rare because too many people are so self consumed with their own life they barely look over to see the ones that God has given them to run this life race with. Not everyone in your life is "in your corner" plain and simple. It takes wisdom and discernment to learn who these people are, but when you do figure it out, hold them close they are a rare commodity. I do not know about you but when I am with my "in my corner friends" I feel as if all is right in the world, I can be myself, share the deep things of my heart and know that it will stay confidential, that whatever the world throws at me I know they will encourage and pray for me...fight the fight with me. There is something so sweet and so secure about it, that it brings so much joy. I have also lived through my share of very painful goodbyes to people in my life that said they were "in my corner" but turned out not to be. There are so many things that surround the situations that do not make sense, but I trust that the Lord will straighten what needs staightening. As strange as it may sound I am thankful for those painful moments (if only for this very second, I will probably change my mind later:) because it taught me how to love people better, to long suffer with them, to be a better friend, to be empathetic when they hurt, to be loyal even when they do not deserve it, to ask the hard questions even if it's too honest, to fight for the people that matter and not give up when things are tough, to encourage, pray harder, to stick up for them even if they are not present and to be their biggest fan.
To truly exemplify what was listed above takes a love for others that really only Jesus can fill you with. We fight our flesh everyday and make decisions either that are right or ones that are wrong. Example: We can either gossip because we feel justified in our position or we can pray and allow the Lord to handle it. We fight these kinds of choices everyday.
If I was to ask you, list the people in your life that "are in your corner" how many could you list? If I was to ask people in your life "is so and so in your corner? What would they say? Probably would be a good conversation piece over lunch sometime. No one is perfect and we will not always be pefect "corner" friends, but trying to be better at it is what counts. Learning from your mistakes, and taking ownership over them is what it is all about. Like I said, not everyone is for you and it would be wise to figure that out because the ones that are deserve your time and effort. I may not get this "corner friend" stuff right all the time, but I am gonna fight trying so that if asked if I am in their corner the answer would be, "I have no doubt."
"As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend." Proverbs 27:17
"So encourage one another and build each other up." 1 Thessalonians 5:11
Thursday, August 6, 2015
Thursday, April 23, 2015
Change of Plans
"Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God." Matthew 5:8
I would say that I am pretty strong willed and I can articulate very well what I want in life. My mom used to tell me all the time growing up that Dr. Dobson wrote the book "Strong Willed Child" after me, so there ya go. I would say that being strong willed has positives to it and it is a main reason that I have never really been a follower, but the negative is that it usually takes me longer to learn lessons than those who are teachable from the start. I would say that being strong willed is one of the reasons I struggle in my walk with the Lord, not because I think I know more than Him, but that His ways for my life go against all that I had planned...my idea of a perfect life. I know it sounds so dumb that I could have "better" ways than the Creator of the Universe, but in my human and feeble mind it makes total sense:)
My friends and family that are closest to me know that I am a planner, I don't like surprises very much, especially if it means life is throwing me a curve ball. Well at the age of 25 the biggest curve ball was thrown at me and it would not only alter my biggest life dream, but also the timeline I created for myself...to have children. There I sat in a doctors office as they told me I had PCOS and that I may or may not be able to conceive on my own and if I did they had no idea how long that would take. My life was now at a hault and I could not even begin to wrap my head around what that meant! I usually am the person who can pick herself up by the bootstraps and move forward but I was frozen and had NO idea what this meant. Here I sit 10 years later, with many failed attempts at getting pregnant naturally, with the help of medicine, two invitro cycles and two miscarriages, only to leave me with empty arms still.
All through this journey I have been VERY closed fisted with God basically telling Him this is how this is gonna go down..."you will fix this, you will allow me to have children and be pregnant and you will make this right!!" I am strong willed remember, so changing the plan on me is not how I like to do things. I wanted what I wanted and that was final!!
People have often asked have you ever thought of adoption, and for years I was SO closed off to it, I wanted my own baby and I wanted it my way. I have nothing against adoption at all, I think it is a beautiful thing, I am adopted by my dad and I am thankful that he cared enough to give me his last name and stand in the gap for my absent sperm donor. The problem was that it was not in my life plan, I was going to get pregnant when I was 25, then the second at 27 and maybe a third at 29...none of that happened. The thought of adoption made me SO angry because I thought..."why should I have to alter my dream God, and get the second best option? (I am being really real here, not saying that this is a pretty convo) Why does everyone else get to have babies, even teenagers or druggies and here I cannot even have a baby...but You want me to possibly take a baby from an unfortunate situation and given them a home? No...just not fair God, not fair at all." To say the least through all this wresting with God I will say I have not only been humbled, but He has also softened my heart a bit.
In the last few months I have been praying for the Lord to give me eyes to see this from His perspective in this situation (which has killed me, I am stubborn) and to give me an understanding. I can honestly say that I trust the Lord whole heartedly with my life except this area, but He desires all of me so it has been a 10 year learning experience. I think that I can say today that I am open to how the Lord is going to bring me children, I am hoping that I get to carry a baby...BUT if not I will praise Him anyway. As I type this with tears streaming down my face, I am laying my dream of being a mom at the feet of my Jesus. There are so many children that are abandoned and I know that I could love that child with my whole being! Maybe we will adopt from a Liberian orphanage, and rescue a child who has lost both parents from sickness or from being killed. It has taken me 10 years to finally realize that I am a mom whether I birth them myself or take them from being an orphan and giving them a loving home. I am sure that I will have days where I struggle and feel insecure about my barreness, but I also know that God has given me the desire to be a mom, a heart filled with so much love to lavish on a child or children, and I want ALL that He has for me. So Lord, I am done fighting...you know my dreams and desires, you know what is best for me and Andrew and so Lord today I trust your heart in this.
I would say that I am pretty strong willed and I can articulate very well what I want in life. My mom used to tell me all the time growing up that Dr. Dobson wrote the book "Strong Willed Child" after me, so there ya go. I would say that being strong willed has positives to it and it is a main reason that I have never really been a follower, but the negative is that it usually takes me longer to learn lessons than those who are teachable from the start. I would say that being strong willed is one of the reasons I struggle in my walk with the Lord, not because I think I know more than Him, but that His ways for my life go against all that I had planned...my idea of a perfect life. I know it sounds so dumb that I could have "better" ways than the Creator of the Universe, but in my human and feeble mind it makes total sense:)
My friends and family that are closest to me know that I am a planner, I don't like surprises very much, especially if it means life is throwing me a curve ball. Well at the age of 25 the biggest curve ball was thrown at me and it would not only alter my biggest life dream, but also the timeline I created for myself...to have children. There I sat in a doctors office as they told me I had PCOS and that I may or may not be able to conceive on my own and if I did they had no idea how long that would take. My life was now at a hault and I could not even begin to wrap my head around what that meant! I usually am the person who can pick herself up by the bootstraps and move forward but I was frozen and had NO idea what this meant. Here I sit 10 years later, with many failed attempts at getting pregnant naturally, with the help of medicine, two invitro cycles and two miscarriages, only to leave me with empty arms still.
All through this journey I have been VERY closed fisted with God basically telling Him this is how this is gonna go down..."you will fix this, you will allow me to have children and be pregnant and you will make this right!!" I am strong willed remember, so changing the plan on me is not how I like to do things. I wanted what I wanted and that was final!!
People have often asked have you ever thought of adoption, and for years I was SO closed off to it, I wanted my own baby and I wanted it my way. I have nothing against adoption at all, I think it is a beautiful thing, I am adopted by my dad and I am thankful that he cared enough to give me his last name and stand in the gap for my absent sperm donor. The problem was that it was not in my life plan, I was going to get pregnant when I was 25, then the second at 27 and maybe a third at 29...none of that happened. The thought of adoption made me SO angry because I thought..."why should I have to alter my dream God, and get the second best option? (I am being really real here, not saying that this is a pretty convo) Why does everyone else get to have babies, even teenagers or druggies and here I cannot even have a baby...but You want me to possibly take a baby from an unfortunate situation and given them a home? No...just not fair God, not fair at all." To say the least through all this wresting with God I will say I have not only been humbled, but He has also softened my heart a bit.
In the last few months I have been praying for the Lord to give me eyes to see this from His perspective in this situation (which has killed me, I am stubborn) and to give me an understanding. I can honestly say that I trust the Lord whole heartedly with my life except this area, but He desires all of me so it has been a 10 year learning experience. I think that I can say today that I am open to how the Lord is going to bring me children, I am hoping that I get to carry a baby...BUT if not I will praise Him anyway. As I type this with tears streaming down my face, I am laying my dream of being a mom at the feet of my Jesus. There are so many children that are abandoned and I know that I could love that child with my whole being! Maybe we will adopt from a Liberian orphanage, and rescue a child who has lost both parents from sickness or from being killed. It has taken me 10 years to finally realize that I am a mom whether I birth them myself or take them from being an orphan and giving them a loving home. I am sure that I will have days where I struggle and feel insecure about my barreness, but I also know that God has given me the desire to be a mom, a heart filled with so much love to lavish on a child or children, and I want ALL that He has for me. So Lord, I am done fighting...you know my dreams and desires, you know what is best for me and Andrew and so Lord today I trust your heart in this.
Thursday, March 19, 2015
Present
"Rejoice with those who rejoice, and mourn with those who mourn." Romans 12:15
In my own life I have found that rejoicing and mourning with others can at times be a very hard task. I guess I would say behind each their is a wound or a story that goes with it.
In California we do not have basements, but just imagine it is a big area to stuff a bunch of junk into. In friendships there are risks; will we allow them to see our cluttered, messy basement that screams I really do not have it all together like I try to portray? Do we have those friends that we allow to come into our cluttered and messy life junk or do we keep them at an arms length because if we allow them to see who we really are they will run for the hills? To say that I love people is kind of an understatement, I love deeply and with that love has come great heartache. I have had friendships that in my mind would be forever friendships, I mean they not only saw my cluttered basement but helped me sort through the mess. These people were friends that I linked arms with when life was hard, when we faced unbearable loss, did ministry with, prayed with and rejoiced with. I let my guard down, I let them into my cluttered and broken places, I desired deep friendship and that was what I thought I had. Turns out it was for a season and when that season of friendships were over, I was heart broken. That's it? Done? Why did I invest so much time for our friendship to end? Why did I let them in? What good will come from this? These were just a few questions that came to mind. I will come back to this story.
You ever have a friend that you know if you ever wanted to do something crazy they would be right by your side because they love you too much? The friendship of Lucy and Ethel come to mind as I type. Or the friend that when you are really going through what you think could be life's greatest trial, goes against your wishes of wanting to be alone and comes over anyways to sit with you in your silence and pain? I have had these types of friends and with them came many fun memories, but the last one made a HUGE impression on me, let me tell you why. For whatever reason pain is a very messy and uncomfortable place for most people and not many will volunteer to sit in it with you. I had had my 9 week check-up to hear our baby's heartbeat, there wasn't one...I was told that in a few short days I would begin the process of miscarriage. Excuse me doctor, what??? To me I did not just loose my baby, I lost my hope, my dream of what would be, and my world was shattered into a million pieces in a matter of seconds. I had walked 5 years in this long road of infertiliy and here was the chance that it was changing, but that was not so. I remember feeling so numb as I laid on that cold exam table and everything around me was so dark. As news leaked out to our family and friends, people started calling, texting, emailing their condolences but none of that really made it better, it was as if no one knew the deep sadness we were feeling. People would say "Let me know if you need anything" I had NO idea what I needed, and doing my everyday responsibilities seemed daunting. About 2 days later I received a text from my good friend that said "We would like to come and see you" and my pride said absolutely not, I do not want to feel awkward from people dealing with my pain, so I answered "Another day would be better." About 10 minutes later the doorbell rang and there they were at our doorstep, and as soon as she stepped into my house and hugged me the tears just flooded out of me. That hug in my deepest pain ministered to my aching heart. She did not care how awkward I was feeling, or that I could not put into words what my heart needed, she was just present. For 2 hours they sat on our couch and we barely spoke, they prayed over us when they felt led to do so, they brought a meal so I would not have to cook, but mostly they just showed up. My husband and I's brokenness was not too much for them, and the silence was not so awkward that they ran for the hills, they were willing to love us where we were at, and that was exactly what I needed but could not say.
To rejoice with those who rejoice means that you honestly are filled with joy and celebrate the season of life that they are in, even if your life in not as joyful at that moment. To mourn with those who mourn means that regardless of how uncomfortable it may be you sit in the brokenness with them. If they feel like breaking glass to make themself feel better you grab a glass and break it with them. In the first story I shared that I had lost some close friends. The reason those friendships ended was because they could not handle our grief anymore, they wanted us to be in a place of rejoicing as heir lives had been moved to that place, but that is not how life works. My husband and I had become too much for them and so they decided that they would distance themselves from us and it was heart breaking. I will say that I have learned from the pain, I have learned what it means to really do life with others, to love them unconditionally where they are in life and that whether they are in a season of rejoicing or mourning I will link arms with them and walk beside them. I have learned the importance of being present when it matters most. I have learned that fighting for my friendships is important and that people are always more important than my schedule. I have been asked to walk a hard road, one I do not understand most days, but I am grateful for the few that have loved me unconditionally and continue to walk my life journey with me.
In my own life I have found that rejoicing and mourning with others can at times be a very hard task. I guess I would say behind each their is a wound or a story that goes with it.
In California we do not have basements, but just imagine it is a big area to stuff a bunch of junk into. In friendships there are risks; will we allow them to see our cluttered, messy basement that screams I really do not have it all together like I try to portray? Do we have those friends that we allow to come into our cluttered and messy life junk or do we keep them at an arms length because if we allow them to see who we really are they will run for the hills? To say that I love people is kind of an understatement, I love deeply and with that love has come great heartache. I have had friendships that in my mind would be forever friendships, I mean they not only saw my cluttered basement but helped me sort through the mess. These people were friends that I linked arms with when life was hard, when we faced unbearable loss, did ministry with, prayed with and rejoiced with. I let my guard down, I let them into my cluttered and broken places, I desired deep friendship and that was what I thought I had. Turns out it was for a season and when that season of friendships were over, I was heart broken. That's it? Done? Why did I invest so much time for our friendship to end? Why did I let them in? What good will come from this? These were just a few questions that came to mind. I will come back to this story.
You ever have a friend that you know if you ever wanted to do something crazy they would be right by your side because they love you too much? The friendship of Lucy and Ethel come to mind as I type. Or the friend that when you are really going through what you think could be life's greatest trial, goes against your wishes of wanting to be alone and comes over anyways to sit with you in your silence and pain? I have had these types of friends and with them came many fun memories, but the last one made a HUGE impression on me, let me tell you why. For whatever reason pain is a very messy and uncomfortable place for most people and not many will volunteer to sit in it with you. I had had my 9 week check-up to hear our baby's heartbeat, there wasn't one...I was told that in a few short days I would begin the process of miscarriage. Excuse me doctor, what??? To me I did not just loose my baby, I lost my hope, my dream of what would be, and my world was shattered into a million pieces in a matter of seconds. I had walked 5 years in this long road of infertiliy and here was the chance that it was changing, but that was not so. I remember feeling so numb as I laid on that cold exam table and everything around me was so dark. As news leaked out to our family and friends, people started calling, texting, emailing their condolences but none of that really made it better, it was as if no one knew the deep sadness we were feeling. People would say "Let me know if you need anything" I had NO idea what I needed, and doing my everyday responsibilities seemed daunting. About 2 days later I received a text from my good friend that said "We would like to come and see you" and my pride said absolutely not, I do not want to feel awkward from people dealing with my pain, so I answered "Another day would be better." About 10 minutes later the doorbell rang and there they were at our doorstep, and as soon as she stepped into my house and hugged me the tears just flooded out of me. That hug in my deepest pain ministered to my aching heart. She did not care how awkward I was feeling, or that I could not put into words what my heart needed, she was just present. For 2 hours they sat on our couch and we barely spoke, they prayed over us when they felt led to do so, they brought a meal so I would not have to cook, but mostly they just showed up. My husband and I's brokenness was not too much for them, and the silence was not so awkward that they ran for the hills, they were willing to love us where we were at, and that was exactly what I needed but could not say.
To rejoice with those who rejoice means that you honestly are filled with joy and celebrate the season of life that they are in, even if your life in not as joyful at that moment. To mourn with those who mourn means that regardless of how uncomfortable it may be you sit in the brokenness with them. If they feel like breaking glass to make themself feel better you grab a glass and break it with them. In the first story I shared that I had lost some close friends. The reason those friendships ended was because they could not handle our grief anymore, they wanted us to be in a place of rejoicing as heir lives had been moved to that place, but that is not how life works. My husband and I had become too much for them and so they decided that they would distance themselves from us and it was heart breaking. I will say that I have learned from the pain, I have learned what it means to really do life with others, to love them unconditionally where they are in life and that whether they are in a season of rejoicing or mourning I will link arms with them and walk beside them. I have learned the importance of being present when it matters most. I have learned that fighting for my friendships is important and that people are always more important than my schedule. I have been asked to walk a hard road, one I do not understand most days, but I am grateful for the few that have loved me unconditionally and continue to walk my life journey with me.
Monday, January 19, 2015
Confidence
The title alone of this entry is a taboo topic of many, especially women. This word or theme has been swirling around in my mind for quite some time now, some because I struggle with confidence in certain aspects of my life, but mainly because the more I get to know even the ladies in my inner circle I see the lack of it. In my opinion the way society talks about confidence can come across very negative, that somehow you are all of a sudden narcissistic and somehow confuse people into believing that confidence is the same as walking around with your nose in the air. I would beg to not only differ but say that kind of thinking is a lie from the pit of hell. I believe that the main reason that any human would ever struggle with confidence is because somewhere along the way the enemy has tricked them into thinking that fearing what they fear most is better than overcoming that fear and living to the fullest as God has created us to live! Just hang with me for a little bit, I promise this crazy rant will make sense:)
When God created man and woman he said that it was very good, humans were His most prized creation and to top it off we are the image of God Himself. There is NO other creation on earth that has a place within where God Himself can dwell except in mankind. I do not know about you but that right there is pretty amazing and humbling all at the same time. When we were created before sin entered the world there was no broken-ness, no pain or suffering, so there would be no need for Adam or Eve to lack confidence. But (yes I started the sentence with a but), when sin entered the world so did depravity, an awareness of what was lacking, a sense of self consciousness and shame. I am not gonna unpack all of that, but I think that it is important to understand where the lacking started...the garden...the serpent (otherwise known as satan) and the idea that God was holding out His best on His beloveds...in one word Eve feared the unknown. This is where it all starts for most of us. Somewhere along the way we doubt God and instead of placing our trust in Him we allow fear to grip our lives and that is where we stay...like Adam and Eve part of us die...whether it is spiritually or die in the unhappiness in our lives called the comfort zone. The enemy LOVES the comfort zone, why? Because it is a place that does not promote growth, it is a stagnent place and he knows you will be so ineffective he does not have to worry or work hard at harassing you.
I absolutely LOVE women especially young girls and I have been SO blessed in my life to walk through and love on many. What I am most passionate about is that they not only know and understand their worth, but walk out the calling in their life confidently and effectively!! As i look back on my life over the last 14 years I would say that 11 of them were fruitful, good and blessed. Not to say that my life was perfect because it was far from that and had my own fair share of trials, but in my eyes I had purpose, I was walking out my calling and I was confident in the gifts that God had given me, I could honestly say it was some of the best years of my life. Then the storm came crashing in and the life that I knew was no more. It did not happen over night, but it was a slow process of what would be to me a very unfulfilling life...I lost my job (that I loved), I lost very close friends that we had linked arm and arm with in ministry, my husband lost his job, we lost our ministry, we lost 4 babies after battling infertility for 7 years, marraige became really hard, and life as we knew it that we would say was the "good life" was no more. What also was taken in the midst of all of this was my confidence, in who I was, what my calling was and my worth as a person. I curled up in my comfort zone, padded it with all kinds of fear so that I would not get hurt and have lived there up til now. I am not saying this because I need sympathy, I say it because it is true and honest. For three years I have allowed myself to believe a lie, I have been the person I have taught so many girls not to be in all my years of ministry...a scared, scarred unconfident girl. What I forgot somewhere along the way was that my confidence is not in a title, a job, being a wife, a mother, pastor, ect...it is only found in the One that created me. Because I was made in the image of God, there is a place in my soul that only He can fill. I will never experience true confidence apart from Him because confidence is not narcissistic, it is a place of being content with the way we were created. It is a place of walking out the set of God given abilities we have been given. It is a place of knowing that without the Lord empowering us to do the things in which we were created to do, they would not happen. It is the place of worsshipping God and giving Him glory for how He created you. I know that it gives God so much pleasure when we live our life passionately and using our gifts to minister to a hurting and broken world. I no longer want to be a washed up has been, but a woman who is confident in who she was created to be. I want to empower and encourage other women to walk out their calling, to love my husband well and encourage him as he leads our home, I want to be a mother that speaks life over her children and call out their gifts and empower them to live a meaninful God honoring life, and whatever job or task the Lord has for me next I want to tackle it with tenacity and passion, learning to be content with where the Lord places me.
What I have learned about confidence (thank you Lord for opening my eyes) is that it is a place of being comfortable in your own skin. It is a place that loves other women and does not compare, it is a place of facing fears and overcoming them not letting them over take you, it is a place that elevates lives and speaks life into them not tearing them down, it is a place of guarding hearts...yours and others as well, it is a place where we do not judge but stand in the gap for spiritual awakening and change, and it is a place of understanding that we are already victorious in Jesus to take the enemy down when he envades our camp or those close around us.
To have true confidence means that no matter what comes in life whether good or bad you stand...stand confident because of who you belong to and that He is trustworthy and He has it all under control.
When God created man and woman he said that it was very good, humans were His most prized creation and to top it off we are the image of God Himself. There is NO other creation on earth that has a place within where God Himself can dwell except in mankind. I do not know about you but that right there is pretty amazing and humbling all at the same time. When we were created before sin entered the world there was no broken-ness, no pain or suffering, so there would be no need for Adam or Eve to lack confidence. But (yes I started the sentence with a but), when sin entered the world so did depravity, an awareness of what was lacking, a sense of self consciousness and shame. I am not gonna unpack all of that, but I think that it is important to understand where the lacking started...the garden...the serpent (otherwise known as satan) and the idea that God was holding out His best on His beloveds...in one word Eve feared the unknown. This is where it all starts for most of us. Somewhere along the way we doubt God and instead of placing our trust in Him we allow fear to grip our lives and that is where we stay...like Adam and Eve part of us die...whether it is spiritually or die in the unhappiness in our lives called the comfort zone. The enemy LOVES the comfort zone, why? Because it is a place that does not promote growth, it is a stagnent place and he knows you will be so ineffective he does not have to worry or work hard at harassing you.
I absolutely LOVE women especially young girls and I have been SO blessed in my life to walk through and love on many. What I am most passionate about is that they not only know and understand their worth, but walk out the calling in their life confidently and effectively!! As i look back on my life over the last 14 years I would say that 11 of them were fruitful, good and blessed. Not to say that my life was perfect because it was far from that and had my own fair share of trials, but in my eyes I had purpose, I was walking out my calling and I was confident in the gifts that God had given me, I could honestly say it was some of the best years of my life. Then the storm came crashing in and the life that I knew was no more. It did not happen over night, but it was a slow process of what would be to me a very unfulfilling life...I lost my job (that I loved), I lost very close friends that we had linked arm and arm with in ministry, my husband lost his job, we lost our ministry, we lost 4 babies after battling infertility for 7 years, marraige became really hard, and life as we knew it that we would say was the "good life" was no more. What also was taken in the midst of all of this was my confidence, in who I was, what my calling was and my worth as a person. I curled up in my comfort zone, padded it with all kinds of fear so that I would not get hurt and have lived there up til now. I am not saying this because I need sympathy, I say it because it is true and honest. For three years I have allowed myself to believe a lie, I have been the person I have taught so many girls not to be in all my years of ministry...a scared, scarred unconfident girl. What I forgot somewhere along the way was that my confidence is not in a title, a job, being a wife, a mother, pastor, ect...it is only found in the One that created me. Because I was made in the image of God, there is a place in my soul that only He can fill. I will never experience true confidence apart from Him because confidence is not narcissistic, it is a place of being content with the way we were created. It is a place of walking out the set of God given abilities we have been given. It is a place of knowing that without the Lord empowering us to do the things in which we were created to do, they would not happen. It is the place of worsshipping God and giving Him glory for how He created you. I know that it gives God so much pleasure when we live our life passionately and using our gifts to minister to a hurting and broken world. I no longer want to be a washed up has been, but a woman who is confident in who she was created to be. I want to empower and encourage other women to walk out their calling, to love my husband well and encourage him as he leads our home, I want to be a mother that speaks life over her children and call out their gifts and empower them to live a meaninful God honoring life, and whatever job or task the Lord has for me next I want to tackle it with tenacity and passion, learning to be content with where the Lord places me.
What I have learned about confidence (thank you Lord for opening my eyes) is that it is a place of being comfortable in your own skin. It is a place that loves other women and does not compare, it is a place of facing fears and overcoming them not letting them over take you, it is a place that elevates lives and speaks life into them not tearing them down, it is a place of guarding hearts...yours and others as well, it is a place where we do not judge but stand in the gap for spiritual awakening and change, and it is a place of understanding that we are already victorious in Jesus to take the enemy down when he envades our camp or those close around us.
To have true confidence means that no matter what comes in life whether good or bad you stand...stand confident because of who you belong to and that He is trustworthy and He has it all under control.
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