Work in Progress

I have been reading this book called "Chasing God" and let me tell you it has changed the way I not only see my relationship with God, but with Christianity as a whole.  I have grown up around Christianity my whole life...church, Christian school, and in a Christian God fearing home.  I can say with confidence that I also know a lot of Bible verses, stories and can use Scripture to defend my faith well.  As I have gotten older I have realized that all of that is great, as we are to be able to give an answer for what we believe, but I have also realized that I have been in a category known as the Pharisees.  See they were also known in their day as scholars of the Torah and knew the law better than most, but when it came to giving grace, love and mercy they failed miserably.  I would honestly see them in today's society as the people who picket and hold up signs on the corner that read "turn or burn!"  I have never been an advocate for that as a useful tool to share the love of Jesus, nor does it compel a person to come to the Lord because they are drawn by His love for them, but more out of fear of hell.  Back to my point...I like a lot of other Christians have given myself more esteem than was due to me, as did the Pharisees.  They thought they had all the answers and were better than others.  I would not say I have been as crazy as them, but I can with full honesty say that I have thought I was a "better" Christian than others.  I also would say that I have not always been one to give grace and mercy as often as I should and at times should have kept my mouth shut.  Look, a relationship with the Lord is all about growth and learning how to be more like Him, but that was it, I did not always reflect Him or His character, I reflected one that was trying to prove herself as a stellar Christian.  I can honestly say that nothing shows you who you really are, and how deep your roots are in Him until you go through a big stormy trial.  It was in this season the last 2 years that I have had to look in the mirror and see how unrighteous I really am, and that all that I know about the Bible or how many verses I could quote really mean nothing if I do not know the Author deeply.  I was holding onto a status, to an outward appearance of wanting to look holy and like a super Christian, but when I felt alone and found myself in the driest of deserts none of that helped me.  The Lord has allowed me to go through a huge stripping season and it has been the MOST painful season I have ever had to walk through, I get teary-eyed just typing it out.  What I have realized is that my perception of myself was very skewed and my anchor was in the wrong place.  I was holding onto the tangible in life and not the One who loves me most.  The Lord has taken me to a place where He would allow me to lose so many things that meant so much to me and that I allowed define me and all I had left was Him to hold onto.  He allowed me to see what a wimpy Christian I was and that my roots were not as deep as I let on because when the storm came and the wind of life picked me up and had a good ol time whipping me around.  The things that have surfaced in the last two years have not been pretty, but I understand that God loves me enough and will never leave me in a place of comfort.  My heart being more like His is what matters most to Him, and so He little by little started taking "my comfort" away.  It is because of this season that I see people in a whole new light, and tend to give grace in areas that I never would have.  To see people how God sees them, and that they are to be loved and cherished, that they have purpose.  But most of all, that I am 100% a sinner and in need of the love of Christ just like everyone else.  I am not better than the person who was saved a week ago, just because I have more Bible head knowledge than they might.  This season has showed me what humility and compassion look like...to reach out to those who are hurting and in need of being loved and listened to.  By no means did I not know or practice this before, but my heart is different!  The Bible says that those who are forgiven much, love much and boy do I understand the Lord's relentless forgiveness in my life...everyday.  This book I am reading basically talks about how much God desires to have relationship with us first and foremost, and that He could care less how well you can play the Christian role.  It is not about how well you can clean up on the outside, it is about a heart that yearns to know a loving God.  To chase God can become exhausting because it is a performance based relationship and we can chase Him our whole lives and not really know Him.  He has showed me that He just wants me, thats it, and He takes me just as I am dirty and sinful.  He could care less how much I do for or in then name of Him, because to Him what I am is way more important than what I have been called to do.  What I know is this, I am not even close to perfect and will never be until I meet Him face to face, but I would rather be working out my walk with Him all the rest of my earthly days, than spend a day without Him.  I hate this season I have been called to, but I also know that He is a God of redemption and my story will have a joyful ending because I know His heart for me and I can hold Him to His promises!!