I often hear so many people make a comment like, "I love when people are real," or "I cannot stand fake people." Truth is we all fall in both categories as much as I think most would love to be in the "real" one. Being a person who is unashamedly real, comes with a high cost, it means that you have to show pieces of you to others that maybe are not so pretty, instead of picking and choosing what you allow others to see and then they make a decision on what kind of a person you are. Truth be told, no one is "real" all the time! No one wants to be judged for what they struggle with silently, or share how they are really doing in fear that others will judge them for what a train wreck they might be. I have been pondering this idea for years now, and honestly it REALLY bothers me that people actually have to hide who they are, especially in groups where people claim to love them, claim to never leave despite what they are going through, or dare I use the term be their "best friend forever," yet do not have the safety to truly be themselves.
About 8 years ago I was given the news that I had something called PCOS, which is why I was having such a hard time getting pregnant. In my wildest dreams, I never thought that I would be asked to walk down this hard and at times excruciating road. I have had so many tests done, procedures done, 3 rounds of IUI, 2 rounds of Invitro that ended in miscarriages and a very broken and shattered heart, my uterus scraped to remove pallups, so many injections and bruising, and the list continues... My dream has always been to be a mom of multiple kids and never dreamed that here I sit, childless and still no closer to having living children than I was 8 years ago when the devastating news came that I was dealing with infertility. To say the least this has been by far the hardest trial I have ever walked through, it has tested my faith in the Lord and His goodness over my life, I have lost friendships over going through this, it has tested my marriage in more ways than I ever wanted, and it certainly has played a part in my worth and how I see myself as a woman! It has stripped me down to the core of who I am, it has given me days where I feel I have no foundation to stand on, it has left me with a hopeless dream, and it has left me with empty arms and a heart that aches to hold a baby. I can sit here and talk about infertility and educate people on the matter, as I certainly have advice to offer to other women walking through the same, but I want to shed light on how this road I am on can be a very dark and lonely one.
Every person on this earth will walk through something that is hard, it may not be infertility, but it is the one thing that rocks them and leaves them dumbfounded as to how they were picked to walk the road set before them. The road asked to walk is hard, but you know what is even harder? To feel like you are walking alone. To at one point feel forgotten, unloved, mis-understood, accused of being too sensitive, or people make comments like "you are grieving way too long when will you get over it?" I have been in all of those categories and I have had some really mean things said to me in regards to my situation, and all those words told me was..."Michelle, you no longer have a safe place to be real, to be you, that I am a burden to others, people are way too busy to care, life goes on so move along, I was loved but conditionally and most of all you are too broken and we do not know what to do with you." And just like that, people started walking away and once again my aching heart from not only the infertility junk seem to seep all over, but the ache of loneliness screamed as well. So as I thought through my initial question of why people act fake sometimes, it is because being real hurts way too much. It should never be this way!!
I was reminded of the countless stories in the Bible of how Jesus truly loved people in their pain, the woman at the well, the woman and the issue of blood, Mary the adulterous woman as she washed Jesus' feet with her hair, the blind man that sat at the pool of Bathesda, and I could keep going. Jesus was never too scared to just sit in someone else's pain, he was never scared by it, nor was there ever a person too broken to love.
I see people so differently now after walking through so much, I never want to be the person who leaves when others are hurting, to make them feel like they are a huge burden because of what life has thrown at them, or that they feel alone walking through a dark valley of pain. People need people, we were created for fellowship and not to be an island all alone...yet there are so many people who are in fact alone. Just some advice if you know of anyone walking through some really tough stuff...be there, show up and shut up! We know no one can fix our circumstances, if you could we would have asked by now, duh! All we want is to know you are not scared to sit with us as we cry and need to share our heart. We need you to show up in the midst of tragedy, NOT give us space!!! Be available to help with laundry, help with their kids if they have them, make meals for them, do grocery shopping, whatever makes the load lighter. Trust me I wish someone would have just done these things for me, I did not even know what to ask for after losing babies. Lastly SHUT UP...we will ask for your advice if we need it. If you have not gone through it you really do not have a leg to stand on, sorry.
If we want the people in our lives to be "real" with us, then we have to be a person that is not scared of what "real" entails! It is most often a very muddy place, or as a very wise pastor said "Dealing with the junk of life is often like walking through manure." Can it be said of you that you are a person that will walk with others through life no matter what the weather in their life looks like? Only you can truly answer that! Real people, cultivate real people.
