Cup of Tea

All my life since before I can even remember, I have always been the girl who cared about what other people thought about me. I mean honestly who doesn't want to be liked, but it has been a thorn in my side. This thorn, has brought me to the realization that I may not always be everyones cup of tea. I may not be the girl that every one would pick to have as a friend and it is in the raw truth of life when it's ugly head is reared, and so do my insecurities.   It is in those times that all truth flies out the window and you start to believe the lies, lies that either you have come up with on your own of not being good enough, feeling worthy enough, or the lies that the enemy is so quick to whisper to you and jump on your thought train headed for self destruction.  If we were truly honest with ourselves, we would say that it is so much easier to believe the lies than it is to believe the truth about who we are.  See this is what I do not understand, why is it so easy for me to believe the lies from the very one who hates me instead of the One who created me? The One who spoke life into my very being, the One who created me with specific gifts and talents, the One who sent His Son to die on my behalf because He could not stand being separated from me for all eternity? It literally makes no sense, yet like the dumb sheep that I am, I listen to the voice of the enemy and others around me, and that is how I gage my worth.  I know that as I write I am not the only one who struggles with this, I am just one who is writing it on paper...we altogether forget how priceless we are.  In thinking about this it brought back a song that Amy Grant (anyone know who she is?) sings, and I have loved it since I was a little girl.  It goes like this..."I may not be every mother's dream for her little girl, and my face may not grace the mind of every one in the world, but that's alright as long as I can have one wish I pray, when people look inside my life, I want to hear them say, she's got her Father's eyes...eyes full of compassion, seeing every pain, knowing what their going through and feeling it the same..."
That really is my prayer, to see others how God sees them, yes even the ones who are not very nice to me or do not like me, as hard as that is.  The truth of not being everyones cup of tea seems to fade into the background when I look at it with His eyes and not my fleshly ones.  It really does not matter in the long scheme of things if people like you, approve of you, or affirm your worth.  Our souls were designed to have the approval of our Creator, He alone can put a price on the very thing that He designed and created. Compliments, encouragement and being loved by others is invaluable if you have it, BUT it is not a long term satisfaction, in fact it leaves you hungry for more.  The truth is that I am God's cup of tea, He has chosen me, and I am invaluable to Him.  Now the truth has surfaced yet again, my head needs to convince my heart of this truth and all will be well!!

New Beginnings

A new year, a new perspective, new goals and getting back to the roots! I love a fresh start in most things in life, a place to start over, or as I like to say a new beginning to get things right or back on track.  One of my favorite Disney movies is "The Lion King," and one of the main reasons is because there are some tough life lessons that poor Simba has to walk through.  I am sure you have read my few sentences and think, "Really she is a grown woman talking about a disney movie?" But stay with me, it will all make sense! There is one part of the story where Simba has run away from home, he is supposed to be king and runs from his reality and dealing with the grief over the loss of his father and not really feeling worthy enough to be king in his father's place.  So here he is, far from home in the middle of no where with his two new best friends Timon and Pumba living what he thinks is the dream, but in reality he is running from the very thing he was created for...to be king!  My favorite scene in this is where Rafiki comes in search of Simba and it is in that conversation that Simba is reminded who he is.  As Simba looks into the pond of water and sees the reflection of his father Mufasa, he is left with this statement "Remember who you are!"  As I sat in church tonight this statement came to me...Michelle remember who you are! You know sometimes God speaks in the most profound ways, and other times he may use a disney movie to speak to me.  You see, when tough things happen we tend to lose focus and get so far off track and forget who we are and what God has created us to be, what He has called us to! I like Simba know the feeling of running and using distraction, really anything sometimes, not to have to deal with the reality and at times the harshness of life.  But when there is that quiet moment and I stop, it is there the Lord finds me and speaks.  He reminds me of who I am and that He is not even close to being done with me yet.  He reminds me to that which he has called me to be, breathes hope back into my dreams and my passions, reminds me that He alone is the only thing that can satisfy my every need.  It is in that instant that I can see clearly again, all the fear and anxiety of life is gone, even if for that instant.  I mean I am human and the chances of me having to battle fear, anxiety, being self-conscious, ect...will come up again, but in that instant all feels right.  This year has been tough, what am I saying these last 4 years have been extremely painful and I have had to walk through and face some of the hardest things in my life, to sum it up in one word LOSS! Loss is so hard to deal with, especially if restoration has yet to come.  I have been through the loss of 4 babies, all whom I never got to name, hear their heartbeat, hear their little feet run around the house, but most of all hear the word Mommy...man how I longed for and could not wait to hear their little voices say that.  I have lost friends, friends who I never thought in a million years would ever not be apart of my life.  I have lost my job, a job that was my passion, a job I loved more than anything, and co-workers that were like my second family. My husband and I lost ministries that we were involved in that we poured our heart and soul into, and youth kids we loved like our own.  Talk about heartache, this is some heart wrenching stuff, and most of it I honestly cannot make sense of it and often ask WHY? Why God, why me, why is this my story, why is life so hard?  So many times I have sat and thought, my dreams of becoming a mom, a teacher again, a youth pastor or ministry for that matter is all done and the dream is gone!  So there I sat in church listening intently to the sermon, (really I was) and here was when The Lion King scene came to me...Remember who you are!  Like Mufasa was speaking to Simba and reminding his son who he was and what he was created for, God was speaking to me His daughter saying, Michelle...Remember who you are! You are mine! All those dreams and desires that you have, yeah, they all come from Me.  So what now? Now I wait and watch to see all that the Lord is going to do, to unfold, to restore and heal.  Yes I still struggle with all the normal human feelings or fear, anxiety and the feelings of inadequacy, but what I have learned is the God that calls me to it will always equip me for it!! Here is to 2014...a new chapter to my story!