Seasons

I love seasons, even though in California there is either hot or cold, but none the less I love them.  I had coffee with a friend I have had since the 6th grade and on my drive home one of the topics we discussed stuck with me, seasons of relationships.
I will say that I am not a fan of these seasons, mainly because I do not like change one, but also because when I let you in and trust you that is a sealed deal for me!  Her and I have had a lot of change in relationships over the years, and really when it is all stripped down to the core of it, they are not of our own doing.  It is not because that we are perfect, but for reasons only the Lord knows, those people have been stripped away.  There was a concept that a mentor in my life used to tell me all the time and I still struggle with it today as I did then... (I wonder if I will ever really master it) she used to tell me to hold others with an open hand.  I remember looking at her and saying "But that gives people the right to hurt you and walk in and out of your life!"  And to that she replied "Yes, but they are not yours to hold onto."  There is so much truth in that concept, but I still do not like it because when I am truly vested in a person, that is it I am 100% in!  As we discussed this tonight I really felt like the Lord impressed upon my heart to look at it with fresh eyes, to see it from a different perspective.  There are going to be people that He allows to come in our lives and will be a constant, the Bible talks about those kind of friends or if you want to speak in modern terms it is the "Ride or Die" friends!!  But there will be those relationships that will come and go, and there may be no explanation as to why they came and left, but to be okay with whatever the outcome may be.  We learn from each relationship and it helps to make us to be who we are, but I will say this in my experience in walking with the Lord, the relationships that flourish and last are the ones that build us up, that push us to be better, and mainly the ones that spur us on to be more like Jesus..."Iron sharpening iron."
I have been sitting in so much hurt and bitterness for so long because of hurt and pain, then my friend said something tonight that made so much sense, she said what has happened to you the Lord allowed, you may not know now but whatever it is will make you more like Him!  BAM, hit in the face...in a good way! As I drove home I realized I do not ever want to be complacent and I surely do not want anything than the Lord's best even in friendships, so why am I so focused on the past ones that have left, well my answer to that is because I am human and they once mattered a great deal to me, but if I truly do trust the Lord and His intentions for my life then I need to walk that out.  I need to let go and let God do what He wants to do, in the way that He wants to do it!  This is no easy task for this sensitive girl who wears her heart on her sleeve...but I am who God made me to be and I have a lot of love in my heart to give to those the Lord has for me and I want those!
So my perspective has changed, I am thankful for all the ones that have come and gone for teaching me how to rely on the Lord more when I have felt alone, how to love deeper and with passion, to work hard for the relationships that mean so much to me and to learn how to walk away when the season is through.
So Lord here I am saying, use me, send me and bring me anything or anyone that you see as best! You are the Author of my story and I am letting you take over and do what you want!!  I am ready for a new season...bring it!

Misunderstood

Have you ever been or felt misunderstood? That no matter how many times you would or could explain your self it really would not matter because it was not going to help the situation?  I know that in my life there have and currently are those same situations where I know that I have been misunderstood and I think if only they knew my real heart intentions, they would see I really am for them or I really do like them, I just have to stay true to my heart or my beliefs.  Today as I was pondering this concept I came across this quote..."Today I am so grateful that God knows my heart.  Others may misunderstand my good intentions, judge my words or deeds, find fault, or blame what they truly do not understand. But God knows my heart.  He knows that I am learning, trying, endeavoring, to be all that He created me to be."  I literally read that over 5 times because I needed it to sink in not just to my mind but to my heart.  I love the BUT GOD...I a lot of times put what others think of me before what He does and it should be the other way around.  

This past few months I really feel that the Lord has been teaching me how to take a step back and put certain things in perspective, especially when it comes to peoples opinions of me, however I have in no way mastered this at all.  But really why is what people think so important? I mean if you think about it they are human and opinions change of people all the time, yet it is something that most people struggle with whether they acknowledge it out loud or not.  I have really been stretched and am learning to lay people at the Lord's feet and to let Him deal with them and divide the truth as it says in Scripture.  I also have had to allow Him to be my defense and let my character speak for itself, as He is my defender and my shield.  I will also say that I know that I am not perfect and have or will offend someone in life, and I also always want to be in a place to humble myself and take responsibility for my actions if need be. There is such freedom in restoration of relationships and when ownership is taken on both sides...that is when relationships are strengthened and can only grow in a positive way! 

I have been reading this book called "The Bait of Satan" and it is literally kicking my booty.  I have been an emotional wreck but only because I know that breakthrough is gonna happen.  It talks about this whole concept of being misunderstood which really leads to being offended and learning how to lay that down.  Man does my flesh fight against these godly principles, it is so hard not to get or stay offended by people.  Well as I have been thinking through it the reason we stay offended is because we feel entitled, which is in its entirety selfish.  It is putting expectations on others and then holding them to a standard that you have set over them, which means you are destined to be disappointed and then offended by them.  Being disappointed or offended is a natural human feeling but it is what you do with it that is important...if you sit in it too long it will lead to bitterness and anger which will only kill you on the inside.  Trust me when I say I know this with my whole being!! I have been SO hurt, disappointed and offended by people in my life who at one time were not only important to me and close like my family, but people I looked up to and respected very much.  I have sat in that place of hurt and offended-ness and it literally has killed me on the inside.  I became someone I was not which was bitter, closed off, angry and very short tempered.  There were times I would listen to myself and say "Michelle, who are you?"  See I know deep down the girl God has created me to be and those attributes are not part of it.  I am by nature very loving, caring and very outgoing...when I am hurt I am the opposite.  Jesus who had EVERY right to be offended by the very people He created did not, He came and died for all, regardless of their opinions of Him, how mistreated he felt by them, how misunderstood he was by them or His best friends deserted Him in His last hours before enduring the cross, forgave them.  In seeing this from Jesus' perspective it has rocked my own world because I am to imitate Jesus, so if He cannot be offended I cannot sit n offense.  AGAPE love meaning unconditional love means we lay down all rights that we have or think we have, and die to self everyday and to everyone.  It means that we regard others higher than ourselves and put them first.  This is NOT a natural thing for our flesh to follow suit in, it is of the spiritual nature and it can only happen when we allow the Lord to have His way and we deny our own.  

I know that I still have much to learn and grown in and I am willing to allow the Lord to do what He needs to do, even if it means brokenness.  What I am not willing to do is be stagnant and allow the enemy to have a foothold in my relationships or my life.  I want the life that is found in the things of the Lord, not death that the enemy offers.  So I will continue to pray and lay down the people that I feel have misunderstood me at the Lord's feet and allow Him to deal with it, He knows my heart and my intentions and that is what truly matters.

Work in Progress

I have been reading this book called "Chasing God" and let me tell you it has changed the way I not only see my relationship with God, but with Christianity as a whole.  I have grown up around Christianity my whole life...church, Christian school, and in a Christian God fearing home.  I can say with confidence that I also know a lot of Bible verses, stories and can use Scripture to defend my faith well.  As I have gotten older I have realized that all of that is great, as we are to be able to give an answer for what we believe, but I have also realized that I have been in a category known as the Pharisees.  See they were also known in their day as scholars of the Torah and knew the law better than most, but when it came to giving grace, love and mercy they failed miserably.  I would honestly see them in today's society as the people who picket and hold up signs on the corner that read "turn or burn!"  I have never been an advocate for that as a useful tool to share the love of Jesus, nor does it compel a person to come to the Lord because they are drawn by His love for them, but more out of fear of hell.  Back to my point...I like a lot of other Christians have given myself more esteem than was due to me, as did the Pharisees.  They thought they had all the answers and were better than others.  I would not say I have been as crazy as them, but I can with full honesty say that I have thought I was a "better" Christian than others.  I also would say that I have not always been one to give grace and mercy as often as I should and at times should have kept my mouth shut.  Look, a relationship with the Lord is all about growth and learning how to be more like Him, but that was it, I did not always reflect Him or His character, I reflected one that was trying to prove herself as a stellar Christian.  I can honestly say that nothing shows you who you really are, and how deep your roots are in Him until you go through a big stormy trial.  It was in this season the last 2 years that I have had to look in the mirror and see how unrighteous I really am, and that all that I know about the Bible or how many verses I could quote really mean nothing if I do not know the Author deeply.  I was holding onto a status, to an outward appearance of wanting to look holy and like a super Christian, but when I felt alone and found myself in the driest of deserts none of that helped me.  The Lord has allowed me to go through a huge stripping season and it has been the MOST painful season I have ever had to walk through, I get teary-eyed just typing it out.  What I have realized is that my perception of myself was very skewed and my anchor was in the wrong place.  I was holding onto the tangible in life and not the One who loves me most.  The Lord has taken me to a place where He would allow me to lose so many things that meant so much to me and that I allowed define me and all I had left was Him to hold onto.  He allowed me to see what a wimpy Christian I was and that my roots were not as deep as I let on because when the storm came and the wind of life picked me up and had a good ol time whipping me around.  The things that have surfaced in the last two years have not been pretty, but I understand that God loves me enough and will never leave me in a place of comfort.  My heart being more like His is what matters most to Him, and so He little by little started taking "my comfort" away.  It is because of this season that I see people in a whole new light, and tend to give grace in areas that I never would have.  To see people how God sees them, and that they are to be loved and cherished, that they have purpose.  But most of all, that I am 100% a sinner and in need of the love of Christ just like everyone else.  I am not better than the person who was saved a week ago, just because I have more Bible head knowledge than they might.  This season has showed me what humility and compassion look like...to reach out to those who are hurting and in need of being loved and listened to.  By no means did I not know or practice this before, but my heart is different!  The Bible says that those who are forgiven much, love much and boy do I understand the Lord's relentless forgiveness in my life...everyday.  This book I am reading basically talks about how much God desires to have relationship with us first and foremost, and that He could care less how well you can play the Christian role.  It is not about how well you can clean up on the outside, it is about a heart that yearns to know a loving God.  To chase God can become exhausting because it is a performance based relationship and we can chase Him our whole lives and not really know Him.  He has showed me that He just wants me, thats it, and He takes me just as I am dirty and sinful.  He could care less how much I do for or in then name of Him, because to Him what I am is way more important than what I have been called to do.  What I know is this, I am not even close to perfect and will never be until I meet Him face to face, but I would rather be working out my walk with Him all the rest of my earthly days, than spend a day without Him.  I hate this season I have been called to, but I also know that He is a God of redemption and my story will have a joyful ending because I know His heart for me and I can hold Him to His promises!!

To Be Real, Or Not To Be...That Is The Question

I often hear so many people make a comment like, "I love when people are real," or "I cannot stand fake people." Truth is we all fall in both categories as much as I think most would love to be in the "real" one.  Being a person who is unashamedly real, comes with a high cost, it means that you have to show pieces of you to others that maybe are not so pretty, instead of picking and choosing what you allow others to see and then they make a decision on what kind of a person you are.  Truth be told, no one is "real" all the time!  No one wants to be judged  for what they struggle with silently, or share how they are really doing in fear that others will judge them for what a train wreck they might be.  I have been pondering this idea for years now, and honestly it REALLY bothers me that people actually have to hide who they are, especially in groups where people claim to love them, claim to never leave despite what they are going through, or dare I use the term be their "best friend forever," yet do not have the safety to truly be themselves.
About 8 years ago I was given the news that I had something called PCOS, which is why I was having such a hard time getting pregnant.  In my wildest dreams, I never thought that I would be asked to walk down this hard and at times excruciating road.  I have had so many tests done, procedures done, 3 rounds of IUI, 2 rounds of Invitro that ended in miscarriages and a very broken and shattered heart, my uterus scraped to remove pallups, so many injections and bruising, and the list continues...  My dream has always been to be a mom of multiple kids and never dreamed that here I sit, childless and still no closer to having living children than I was 8 years ago when the devastating news came that I was dealing with infertility.  To say the least this has been by far the hardest trial I have ever walked through, it has tested my faith in the Lord and His goodness over my life, I have lost friendships over going through this, it has tested my marriage in more ways than I ever wanted, and it certainly has played a part in my worth and how I see myself as a woman! It has stripped me down to the core of who I am, it has given me days where I feel I have no foundation to stand on, it has left me with a hopeless dream, and it has left me with empty arms and a heart that aches to hold a baby.  I can sit here and talk about infertility and educate people on the matter, as I certainly have advice to offer to other women walking through the same, but I want to shed light on how this road I am on can be a very dark and lonely one.
Every person on this earth will walk through something that is hard, it may not be infertility, but it is the one thing that rocks them and leaves them dumbfounded as to how they were picked to walk the road set before them.  The road asked to walk is hard, but you know what is even harder? To feel like you are walking alone.  To at one point feel forgotten, unloved, mis-understood, accused of being too sensitive, or people make comments like "you are grieving way too long when will you get over it?" I have been in all of those categories and I have had some really mean things said to me in regards to my situation, and all those words told me was..."Michelle, you no longer have a safe place to be real, to be you, that I am a burden to others, people are way too busy to care, life goes on so move along, I was loved but conditionally and most of all you are too broken and we do not know what to do with you."  And just like that, people started walking away and once again my aching heart from not only the infertility junk seem to seep all over, but the ache of loneliness screamed as well.  So as I thought through my initial question of why people act fake sometimes, it is because being real hurts way too much.  It should never be this way!!
I was reminded of the countless stories in the Bible of how Jesus truly loved people in their pain, the woman at the well, the woman and the issue of blood, Mary the adulterous woman as she washed Jesus' feet with her hair, the blind man that sat at the pool of Bathesda, and I could keep going.  Jesus was never too scared to just sit in someone else's pain, he was never scared by it, nor was there ever a person too broken to love.
I see people so differently now after walking through so much, I never want to be the person who leaves when others are hurting, to make them feel like they are a huge burden because of what life has thrown at them, or that they feel alone walking through a dark valley of pain.  People need people, we were created for fellowship and not to be an island all alone...yet there are so many people who are in fact alone.  Just some advice if you know of anyone walking through some really tough stuff...be there, show up and shut up! We know no one can fix our circumstances, if you could we would have asked by now, duh! All we want is to know you are not scared to sit with us as we cry and need to share our heart. We need you to show up in the midst of tragedy, NOT give us space!!! Be available to help with laundry, help with their kids if they have them, make meals for them, do grocery shopping, whatever makes the load lighter.  Trust me I wish someone would have just done these things for me, I did not even know what to ask for after losing babies.  Lastly SHUT UP...we will ask for your advice if we need it.  If you have not gone through it you really do not have a leg to stand on, sorry.
If we want the people in our lives to be "real" with us, then we have to be a person that is not scared of what "real" entails! It is most often a very muddy place, or as a very wise pastor said "Dealing with the junk of life is often like walking through manure."  Can it be said of you that you are a person that will walk with others through life no matter what the weather in their life looks like? Only you can truly answer that! Real people, cultivate real people.

Cup of Tea

All my life since before I can even remember, I have always been the girl who cared about what other people thought about me. I mean honestly who doesn't want to be liked, but it has been a thorn in my side. This thorn, has brought me to the realization that I may not always be everyones cup of tea. I may not be the girl that every one would pick to have as a friend and it is in the raw truth of life when it's ugly head is reared, and so do my insecurities.   It is in those times that all truth flies out the window and you start to believe the lies, lies that either you have come up with on your own of not being good enough, feeling worthy enough, or the lies that the enemy is so quick to whisper to you and jump on your thought train headed for self destruction.  If we were truly honest with ourselves, we would say that it is so much easier to believe the lies than it is to believe the truth about who we are.  See this is what I do not understand, why is it so easy for me to believe the lies from the very one who hates me instead of the One who created me? The One who spoke life into my very being, the One who created me with specific gifts and talents, the One who sent His Son to die on my behalf because He could not stand being separated from me for all eternity? It literally makes no sense, yet like the dumb sheep that I am, I listen to the voice of the enemy and others around me, and that is how I gage my worth.  I know that as I write I am not the only one who struggles with this, I am just one who is writing it on paper...we altogether forget how priceless we are.  In thinking about this it brought back a song that Amy Grant (anyone know who she is?) sings, and I have loved it since I was a little girl.  It goes like this..."I may not be every mother's dream for her little girl, and my face may not grace the mind of every one in the world, but that's alright as long as I can have one wish I pray, when people look inside my life, I want to hear them say, she's got her Father's eyes...eyes full of compassion, seeing every pain, knowing what their going through and feeling it the same..."
That really is my prayer, to see others how God sees them, yes even the ones who are not very nice to me or do not like me, as hard as that is.  The truth of not being everyones cup of tea seems to fade into the background when I look at it with His eyes and not my fleshly ones.  It really does not matter in the long scheme of things if people like you, approve of you, or affirm your worth.  Our souls were designed to have the approval of our Creator, He alone can put a price on the very thing that He designed and created. Compliments, encouragement and being loved by others is invaluable if you have it, BUT it is not a long term satisfaction, in fact it leaves you hungry for more.  The truth is that I am God's cup of tea, He has chosen me, and I am invaluable to Him.  Now the truth has surfaced yet again, my head needs to convince my heart of this truth and all will be well!!

New Beginnings

A new year, a new perspective, new goals and getting back to the roots! I love a fresh start in most things in life, a place to start over, or as I like to say a new beginning to get things right or back on track.  One of my favorite Disney movies is "The Lion King," and one of the main reasons is because there are some tough life lessons that poor Simba has to walk through.  I am sure you have read my few sentences and think, "Really she is a grown woman talking about a disney movie?" But stay with me, it will all make sense! There is one part of the story where Simba has run away from home, he is supposed to be king and runs from his reality and dealing with the grief over the loss of his father and not really feeling worthy enough to be king in his father's place.  So here he is, far from home in the middle of no where with his two new best friends Timon and Pumba living what he thinks is the dream, but in reality he is running from the very thing he was created for...to be king!  My favorite scene in this is where Rafiki comes in search of Simba and it is in that conversation that Simba is reminded who he is.  As Simba looks into the pond of water and sees the reflection of his father Mufasa, he is left with this statement "Remember who you are!"  As I sat in church tonight this statement came to me...Michelle remember who you are! You know sometimes God speaks in the most profound ways, and other times he may use a disney movie to speak to me.  You see, when tough things happen we tend to lose focus and get so far off track and forget who we are and what God has created us to be, what He has called us to! I like Simba know the feeling of running and using distraction, really anything sometimes, not to have to deal with the reality and at times the harshness of life.  But when there is that quiet moment and I stop, it is there the Lord finds me and speaks.  He reminds me of who I am and that He is not even close to being done with me yet.  He reminds me to that which he has called me to be, breathes hope back into my dreams and my passions, reminds me that He alone is the only thing that can satisfy my every need.  It is in that instant that I can see clearly again, all the fear and anxiety of life is gone, even if for that instant.  I mean I am human and the chances of me having to battle fear, anxiety, being self-conscious, ect...will come up again, but in that instant all feels right.  This year has been tough, what am I saying these last 4 years have been extremely painful and I have had to walk through and face some of the hardest things in my life, to sum it up in one word LOSS! Loss is so hard to deal with, especially if restoration has yet to come.  I have been through the loss of 4 babies, all whom I never got to name, hear their heartbeat, hear their little feet run around the house, but most of all hear the word Mommy...man how I longed for and could not wait to hear their little voices say that.  I have lost friends, friends who I never thought in a million years would ever not be apart of my life.  I have lost my job, a job that was my passion, a job I loved more than anything, and co-workers that were like my second family. My husband and I lost ministries that we were involved in that we poured our heart and soul into, and youth kids we loved like our own.  Talk about heartache, this is some heart wrenching stuff, and most of it I honestly cannot make sense of it and often ask WHY? Why God, why me, why is this my story, why is life so hard?  So many times I have sat and thought, my dreams of becoming a mom, a teacher again, a youth pastor or ministry for that matter is all done and the dream is gone!  So there I sat in church listening intently to the sermon, (really I was) and here was when The Lion King scene came to me...Remember who you are!  Like Mufasa was speaking to Simba and reminding his son who he was and what he was created for, God was speaking to me His daughter saying, Michelle...Remember who you are! You are mine! All those dreams and desires that you have, yeah, they all come from Me.  So what now? Now I wait and watch to see all that the Lord is going to do, to unfold, to restore and heal.  Yes I still struggle with all the normal human feelings or fear, anxiety and the feelings of inadequacy, but what I have learned is the God that calls me to it will always equip me for it!! Here is to 2014...a new chapter to my story!